Interview Failure: Austin Theodore Logan

[Note: Interview Failure is something I've been meaning to do here for a while. It will consist of me being drunk and conducting really shitty interviews with people while they are drunk. So far I've only remembered to try it twice. This one is really short and really bad. In the future I may try and have the actual MP3 of the interview embedded somehow, but until I figure out how to convert the phone file into an MP3 and then embed it, I'll just write out a transcript. Also, I do not have prewritten questions (which should be fairly obvious) and no matter what I may say, I am just as drunk (possibly more) as the interviewee. Anyway, this was my first try and we were both very drunk at the time. And yes, this is a real transcript of a real recording. Enjoy.]

(Recorded at 1am at The Grand. Earlier, Austin had broken the screen on my phone by shoving me backward off my chair.)

Jack: Austin, you've had a lot of beer to drink tonight. How do you feel about that?
Austin: ...
Jack: Actually, you've had a lot of wine and a very little bit of beer. How do you feel about that?
Austin: (unintelligible, Austin tries grabbing my phone)
Jack: Okay, let's, let's.. let's get away from my phone for a second here. You've had a bunch of wine... cuz you're a pussy. And then you had like.. half a beer. And one shot. So...
Austin: I had two beers...
Jack: Okay, two beers, one shot. How do you feel about that?
Austin: Two shots...
Jack: How does that make you feel?
Austin: What is the answer you're looking for?
Jack: Well, I'm looking for the true answer that comes out of your mouth. When you say things.
Austin: Ummm, okay. Are you looking for a real answer?
Jack: Yes. (a pop sound) Uh, for the record, Austin just hit me in the head... for about the fifth time tonight. Okay, well, aside from the violence... You-you're exceptionally drunk and it's actually quite early. How do you explain that?
Austin: I explain it like this... um... I love you, Jack.. but I'm kinda drunk.
Jack: Mm-kay. For the record, Austin did go to an art showing and he drank some wine. I think it's kind of pussy to get this drunk off of wine..
Austin: I would've drink beer... however they let me drink wine because they ran out of beer... when I got there.
Jack: They ran out of beer when he got there... and yet, he's drunker than I've seen him. From wine? I dunno. I'm a little skeptical.
Austin: Hey... watch this one... Hey, Jack..
Jack: He probably, yes, he just hit me in the head again. Speaking of one trick ponies... You're a one trick pony, I have nowhere to go with that, I just... You keep hitting me in the head, so that's what, no, you can't touch my phone anymore, you broke it.. earlier. So you're not allowed to touch the phone. You need to say something really interesting right now.
Austin: (drooling on himself, trying to focus his eyes) uhhhhh...
Jack: Yeah, it's not gonna happen, is it?
Austin: Uhhhhhhhhhh.... I like hitting Jack's phone because it's the best thing ever...
Jack: Don't touch the phone. Don't--
(recording ends)