Filmdoom: Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

-=[This review contains spoilers]=-

The Plot: The story of how Lucien Lycan became King of the Werewolves. I mean Lycans.

Kickass: There's this one part where the werewolves, I mean Lycans, are escaping from Dracula jail. They're running through a hallway and the Draculas realize they're escaping and start shooting gigantic wooden stakes out of cannons at them through the windows of the hallway and like a shitload of werewolves, I mean Lycans, get totally impaled and stuck to the walls in completely brutal ways. It's such a balls out kickass awesome scene, I find it hard to believe it's actually in Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans.

There were two or three times when a werewolf, I mean Lycan, got its head cut off at the jaw hinge, leaving the lower jaw and gushing blood. That was pretty kickass. Not sure why they felt the need to pull the same gag three times, but it was nice to watch. Also, when the werewolves, I mean Lycans, weren't shitty CG effects, they had really cool looking heads.

Speaking of heads, at the end, Shaun of the Dead's stepdad gets a sword through the head. It's easily the kickassest moment of this movie.

Shaun of the Dead's stepdad is always kickass. He should be in every movie. Actually, he and Christopher Walken should do a series of buddy cop movies. They should be called Bad Cop, Bad Cop. And Bad Cop, Bad Cop 2: Bad Cop, Badder Cop. And Bad Cop, Bad Cop 3: Badder Cop, Baddest Cop. And Bad Cop, Bad Cop 4: Good Cop, Bad Cop, Ugly Cop, co-starring Steve Buscemi as "The Rookie".

Meh: This was supposed to be Lucian Lycan's origin story, right? Here's the origin story, as told by the movie: Werewolves, I mean Lycans, were just dumb animals until Baby Lucien was born ((shot of a squirmy baby)). Shaun of the Dead's stepdad decided not to kill Baby Lucien for reasons he (and the movie) kept to himself ((shot of Shaun's stepdad not kicking Baby Lucien in the face)). Over the next 5 minutes, Lucien grows up and is taught how to fight for some reason ((shot of TeenLycan having a pointless gladiator battle)). Then he becomes a slave blacksmith and has lots of sex with Shaun of the Dead's stepdad's daughter, the unpleasant looking chick from that shitty movie Doomsday that nobody saw ((shot of hilariously bad sex scene, including Lucien Sexmaniac having cowgirl-position sex HANGING HALF OFF A CLIFF AND LAUGHING)). End of origin story. Seriously, it didn't even try to explain why exactly the daughter of the most famous and powerful Dracula in the land would ever feel the urge to have sex with a filthy, sweaty Lycan. It's just another one of those "I love you for some reason" situations that they never explain simply because the writers aren't smart enough to think up a halfway believable reason.

Also, this movie is supposed to explain why Draculas and werewolves, I mean Lycans, hate eachother so much that they still want to kill eachother in Underworld 1. Unfortunately, the explanation is, "They kept us as slaves. And killed my girlfriend." Sorry about the "spoiler", but if you didn't know unpleasant looking chick was going to die from the second you saw them rutting in a sewer, you're kind of dumb. Anyway, what I'm saying here is, I find it hard to believe that keeping the Lycans as slaves for a couple decades and killing Lucien Lycan's girlfriend like 700 years ago is enough to keep them at eachother's throat's for the better part of a millenium.

Shitass: There aren't any machine guns or guns that shoot bullets made of sunlight or shiny shiny PVC slutsuits. That's pretty much the entire reason I liked the first one and the second one.

Unlike hot chick from Underworld 1, at no point in this movie does unpleasant chick use two swords to cut a circle in the floor around herself so she can drop down to a lower level. Totally dropped the ball on that one, Underworld 3.

It's boring and everything is dark blue. Boringly dark blue. And dark bluely boring. Blark bluely bloring.

The Draculas never... Dracula. Like, only one time does a Dracula ever bite anyone and he bites ANOTHER DRACULA. Nobody turns into a bat, nobody even lays down in a coffin. I just have to take their word for it that these people are Draculas and not just a bunch of jerks with a hereditary skin condition that keeps them inside during the day.

The werewolves, forgive me, Lycans, are pretty much really shitty CG the entire movie. When Lucian Lycan wolfs out, I mean Lycans Out, it takes all of 2 seconds. Just poof, I'm a Lycan. Gone are the days of American Lycan, I mean Werewolf, In London, where transformations took 5 minutes and looked totally awesome. So, poof, I'm a bad CG effect running all over the place like Spiderman for no reason, and everytime I kill anyone even the fucking blood is CG because we forgot how to mix syrup and food coloring and pump it through a plastic tube with a squeeze bulb.

You know what? Fuck this movie.

The End: Lucien Lycan, angry that his girlfriend was killed by her hereditary skin disorder, leads an army of Lycanwolves against the Draculas and wins. Big deal. Doesn't mean shit because we know a couple hundred years down the road, Shaun of the Dead's stepdad is still undead and kicking and the Lycans are still smelly losers with anger issues. Oh, and just in case you're a complete fucking retard, they felt the need to have, as the final shot of the movie, hot chick from Underworld 1 in present-times moodily perched on a balcony in shiny shiny PVC. Like I was supposed to smack myself in the forehead and be all, "Oh, I get it! That's the pretty lady from the other movie of the same title with the same characters doing the same shit except with machine guns! How clever!"

Verdict: If it were less boring, I'd say rent it. But it doesn't have near enough funny/bad moments. Rent parts 1 & 2 again and make fun of them. That guy that plays the hot chick's love interest is hilarious because his acting is on par with an untreated piece of lumber with a Ken doll nailed to it. And then he turns half-Dracula, half-Lycanwolf, which is all kickass, even though it's mostly bad CG.