Filmdoom: The Howling V: The Rebirth (1989)

[[This review spoils the entire movie.]]

Back in ancient times in Budapest, a family that carries the werewolf gene decides to off themselves. Right when the last guy shoves a ridiculously large sword through his wife and then stabs himself by spooning with her, a baby cries. Oh shit, they forgot to kill the baby!




Cut to Budepest 1982 and a bunch of bad actors get invited to visit the castle from the first scene. A lot of time is spent while they get to know eachother, then take a long bus ride to the castle. Then they get to the castle and chit chat some more.


One guy decides to go off by himself and look around. He snoops around in a dungeon, looking at skulls and shit and a werewolf totally kills him!



But all you get to see is some teeth for two seconds. That's it. Fade to black and a choir shouts something that sounds like, "ZARTHOS!" a couple of times.

The Creepy Foreign Guy that invited them all to the castle stands around and acts all creepy and stuff.


Then the Dumb Girl and the Horny Guy take a bath together. "No funny stuff," she warns. Horny Guy is disappointed.


Out of work actress lady is wandering around, changing her clothes and stuff. British Ponytail Guy finds a secret passage and watches through a crack in the wall as Out Of Work Actress gets completely killed by a werewolf!




But all you get to see is crackview and a vague werewolf shape jump past. And the choir shouts, "ZARTHOS!"

British Ponytail Guy gets scared shitless and runs around like an asshole trying to find a way out of the secret passage. He finds a door that goes outside, but unfortunately there's a blizzard going on. He wanders around some big piles of snow when suddenly a werewolf jumps out of a snowbank and kills the crap out of him!




But all you get to see is a werewolfey shape lunging out of snow for three seconds. Lame. ZARTHOS!

By now all the boring bad actors realize something's fishy. The Worst Actor In The Universe argues with Creepy Foreign Guy and everybody else for a while.


They decide to split up and try to find the missing shitty actors. Dumb Girl and Horny Guy go off together and continue to not have any sex with eachother. Dumb Girl thinks something is following them. A scary noise happens and Horny Guy runs off without Dumb Girl like the horny coward he is. So the werewolf chases him down and grabs his face!




Yep. Just grabs his face and pulls him off the screen. That's it. ZARTHOS!

Worst Actor In The Universe is sitting around being an asshole. He peeps on naked Older Out Of Work Actress and notices they both have the same birthmark on their inner elbows. So the werewolf breaks through a door and eats the fuck out of him!




Thsi is the best shot were ever get of the werewolf. It lasts about 2 seconds. We don't get to see Worst Actor In The Universe die (as usual, we haven't seen anyone die in this thing), but later Bitchy Doctor Lady stabs his dead body through a curtain with a spear. ZARTHOS!


Bitchy Doctor Lady, Fruity British Guy, Dumb Girl, Older Out Of Work Actress, Creepy Foreign Guy and Creepy Foreign Guy's two foreign servants are still alive. By now Bitchy Doctor Lady and Fruity British Guy think Creepy Foreign Guy is the one killing everyone, while Older Out Of Work Actress disagrees. They lock Creepy Foreign Guy and his servants in a cell. Older Out Of Work Actress comes by later and lets them out. Creepy Foreign Guy is sure Fruity British Guy is the werewolf. He locks Older Out Of Work Actress in the jail cell and takes off to kill Fruity British Guy. While waiting in her jail cell, the werewolf comes by and chokes the shit out of her!




Once again, all we see is a werewolf arm for 3 seconds. Fade to black. ZARTHOS!

Creepy Foreign Guy and his servants catch Fruity British Guy and, convinced he's the werewolf, try to chop his head off. But Male Servant swings the axe wrong and accidentally chops off Female Servant's head! Then Dumb Girl pops in and shoots Male Servant with a crossbow! The best scene of the whole movie!




Nobody shouts ZARTHOS this time. ZARTHOSes are reserved for werewolf kills only.

Bitchy Doctor Lady finds Older Out Of Work Actress's dead body. She turns around and holy shit there's a werewolf!






At least we finally get half a look at the werewolf's face. It only lasts about 3 seconds though. ZARTHOS!!

Fruity British Guy chases down Creepy Foreign Guy and they're all like, "You're the werewolf!" "No, YOU'RE the werewolf!" "Am not!" "Are too!" Dumb Girl comes around the corner waving a gun. "Shoot Creepy Guy, he's the werewolf!" "No, shoot Fruity Guy! He's totally the werewolf!" Any idea who the werewolf is by now? I'm sure it will be a total surprise.


Dumb Girl doesn't know what to do! Who should she shoot?! She makes her decision. KA-BLAM!




Creepy Foreign Guy is dead. I guess he was the werewolf. Fruity British Guy hugs Dumb Girl and says, "Don't worry, you're safe now. The Creepy British Werewolf is dead. I'm totally sure he was the werewolf. 100%."


What's Dumb Girl smiling about? I guess she's just happy that the nightmare is over. Yep. No more werewolves. Hmmm... hang on. She's the werewolf!!! Holy shit! Run, Fruity Guy, run!!!

ZARTHOS!!!

And that's the end. Howling V wasn't a terrible movie. The only problem was the lack of werewolf sightings and on-screen kills. Out of the entire movie you see the werewolf for a total of about 18 seconds and it's usually just an arm or a snout. It doesn't make a lot of sense because in the one scene where the werewolf busts through the door you finally get to see the full werewolf suit and it looks pretty kickass. I don't understand why they were afraid to show the thing.

So yeah, all in all it was a pretty entertaining movie, but instead of calling it The Howling V: The Rebirth, they should probably have called it Werewolf Arm V: The Blur. Or maybe just ZARTHOS!