Filmdoom: Outlander (2008)

The Plot: The guy who played Jesus crash lands his spaceship on Earth in the TIME OF THE VIKINGS. That's about all I needed to know to want to watch it. There's also a killer space dragon that's half invisible sometimes. My first thought after seeing the trailer was: "Greatest movie ever?" Then I remembered Pathfinder, the one about vikings vs. indians, and how it was a boring, colorless, piece of crapshit that made me pray for the sweet release of death.

Kickass: Spaceships should be in every movie. Outlander proves it without a doubt. And even though the whole thing takes place on pre-history earth, there's several cool sci-fi flashbacks to Jesus's planet, with spaceships and explosions and the perfect amount of boring shit about his family and his feelings. Not too much, but it's in there for the old ladies, or whoever goes to see movies for that touchy-feely stuff.

The space dragon has some pretty nice kills. When he kills that one guy from those other movies, it's totally sweet. I don't want to spoil it, so I'll just say that.

All the main actors are good enough and that old guy from the elephant man was in it which was a total surprise. He looked funny with his pointy beard. And even when he was saying goofy vikingey stuff like "Odin protect you, Outlander", he was still pretty cool. And the chick was pretty hot, not too chickey but not too dudey, if you get my drift. Like, she'll wash dishes and fix Jesus a hot lunch, but then in the next scene she's all stabbing things and avenging people.

It's about vikings fighting a space dragon. That's like the definition of kickass. Plenty of viking action and lots of space dragonry mean it's a safe bet you're going to pop a boner at least a couple times during the movie.

Meh: I would have liked more space dragon action. He kinda shows up for a minute, then it's vikings being vikings for half the movie, then he comes back, then vikings, then space dragon. I understand they had to do it that way, so it's not that big a deal. And luckily all the parts with the vikings just hanging out being vikings were entertaining. I mean, don't get me wrong. There's plenty of space dragon, but I mean, there can always be more space dragon, you know?

Shitass: The spaceman from space sinks his spaceship in the first 10 seconds and then loses his space lasergun 10 seconds later. He even threw away his space armor as soon as he crawled away from his busted ass spaceship. What the hell? Are you ashamed of being from space or something?

The girly guy who played the main viking who wasn't the elephant man looked more like a middle earth refugee than a butch viking. Seriously, every other viking looked more or less vikinglike, but this guy looked like Legolas' half-human love child. Legolas was the elf, right? Whatever, he looked like an elf, okay? And he was always half grinning as though the whole time he was trying to be a viking, he was thinking to himself, "Whee! I'm a viking! Yay! I'm totally a viking!"

There's a lot of really silly shit in Outlander. There's a part where Jesus and Legolas jump around on shields for no other reason than to explain why all these shields are laying around when they're needed later on in the movie and why Legolas and Jesus are so good at jumping around on shields.

The trap they set for the space dragon is pretty retarded. Overly elaborate, yet at the same time naively simple. They should have painted a sign on the front of it: "Not a trap. Follow me in, please." There's just no way that thing would ever work for real, not even as badly as it ended up working in the movie.

The End: At first I thought the ending was going to be totally underwhelming, but then it was whelming enough. On the whole, it was a good ending except that it was some of the silliest shit I've ever seen. But in a fun way. I don't want to spoil anything, but it's like those movies where the hero goes into a sewer grate and 10 seconds later he's at the bottom of a mile high cavern and then he falls off the top of a skyscraper. You know? It's like they forgot how time and space work. It was a lot of fun though.

Verdict: Could have been more action packed, but it was pretty cool. The space dragon didn't look great the whole time, but it looked pretty badass most of the time. I highly recommend Outlander if the idea of vikings fighting a space dragon appeals to you. And if it doesn't appeal to you, you probably suck. Just saying.