Filmdoom: Apaches (1977)

Apaches is an infamous british safety film that I hadn't heard of until I stumbled across it on KinderTrauma.

It begins with six young children, playing apaches at some kind of big cow farm. They start fake shooting fake rifles at a real tractor, one of the kids jumps up on the trailer, and the next thing you know...




Holy shit! Then it shows the remaining 5 kids just standing there, staring at their dead little friend.

The main kid is narrating, talking about how his parents are getting ready to host a party. The next thing you know, they're all back at the farm (apparently not having noticed one of their pals just died horribly there) and they decide to play an innocent game of hide n seek. Fun is had by all until...






Holy shit! The kid drowned in cow shit! That's got to be an unhappy way to die. Then there's more narration by the main kid about his parents getting ready for their party. He thinks adult parties are lame.

The remaining 4 kids are back at it again, playing apaches at the cow farm. At what point do these kids' parents think to tell them to stop playing at the deadly kid-hating cow farm? Anyway, they find their way into a tool shed and our hero, the main kid, grabs a bottle of weedkiller, pours some into a cup and exclaims, "We shall drink the white man's firewater to celebrate!" No shit. One of them suggests it might be something they ought not drink (hey, a smart one in the bunch) so they decide to pretend to drink some as they pass it around. Except the last little girl accidentally (I assume) takes a big swig and spits some all over her buddy.


She seems okay, until later when they split up to go home, she seems to have a tummy ache. And then...




This is actually the most disturbing one. It just shows the outside of her house while she screams and screams. Freaky.

The next thing you see is the little girl's parents clearing all her shit out of her room. Because she's dead. And the main kid goes back to narrating about how his parents are throwing a party and old people suck except when they get drunk and give him money.

The 3 remaining kids are once again playing at the farm. This time, rather than play apaches, they're pretending to be Starsky and Hutch and the main kid is the bad guy they're chasing. This is actually a pretty good action scene, with them taking cover behind stuff and shooting at eachother (at one point Starsky says, "I'm gettin' too old for these capers." No shit). It's pretty kickass. So anyway, Starsky and Hutch have the bad guy pinned down. Hutch jumps out from behind a heavy iron fence thing while Starsky crouches down and proceeds to cover Hutch. Unfortunately, the heavy iron fence was destabilized by Hutch's movements and...






SQUASH! Mashed by the fence, with a trickle of blood flowing from his cold, dead ear. That's pretty rough.


It looks like our hero the narrator is finally realizing that he's running out of friends to play with. He needs to be more careful from now on.

In the next scene, our hero runs through a cemetary filled with all his little dead friends (except Hutch. Hutch is still okay) when he comes upon a farmer parking a tractor on an inclined road. After a nice chat with the farmer, the farmer walks off and our hero jumps behind the wheel of the tractor, pretending he's driving a race car. I'm sure nothing bad will happen. I'm sure he'll be just fine. Oh shit nooooo!
















I did not see that coming. Our hero dies and Hutch is still alive?! What the fuck?

It turns out, that party our hero was talking about the whole time? Yeah, it was his own funeral. And he says that even though his parents' parties are lame, he wishes he could be at this party. You know, instead of being dead.

So Hutch lives and gets to attend the funeral party. And that's the end. So remember, don't pretend to be an apache, and don't hang out at cow farms. Knowing is half the battle.





You have to watch Apaches, it's fucking amazing. Share it with your kids, you might save a life from the evils of cow farms. And to show how awesome I am, here's the whole fucking thing from YouTube in three parts. Enjoy. It's only 28 minutes long, so you have no excuse not to horrify yourself by watching little kids die unpleasantly.