Filmdoom: Hardware (1990)

-=[This review contains big spoilers]=-

The Plot: After a nuclear apocalypse, humans are reduced to living like savages in spacious apartments with all the ameneties, recieving a welfare stipend that allows them to comfortably indulge in sculpting and lazing around. And there's a KILLER ROBOT!

Kickass: The killer robot is clumsy, slow and halfway silly looking. But he's also a kickass killer robot that kills things and halfway looks totally awesome. There are lots of shitty movies that have killer robots in them, but the one thing that is still cool even in the shittiest killer robot movie is that they have killer robots. I approve of killer robots. Luckily, Hardware is not a shitty movie, and it totally has a killer robot in it. Win-win.

Lemmy is in this movie. Only for about 30 seconds, but it's 30 seconds with Lemmy. Here's a sweet bit of trivia from IMDB: "For his appearance as the cabbie, Lemmy was equipped with a bottle of Scotch and a genuine Magnum revolver. He emptied the bottle and drew the gun out from his shoulder holster. It slipped his hand and sank to the river. Divers were sent to recover it, but they were unsuccessful." That is so Lemmy.


Burglekutt is in this movie. Remember the jerky fat Peck from Willow who got bird crap all over his face? He talks weird in this picture. I can't tell if he's dubbed by another actor or if he just dubbed himself kinda badly in a weird voice. Doesn't matter though. Burglekutt rules.


Porkins is in this movie. You know, Red Six, the fat guy who dies like a bitch at the end of Star Wars. In Hardware, Porkins is a total perv with sores on his mouth. He's got one of the best scenes in the whole picture, where he sings a song that goes, "Oh, we all walk the wibberly-wobberly walk... we all talk the wibberly-wobberly talk..." Porkins kicks ass. He was also in Flash Gordon, Raiders of the Lost Ark and he was Lieutenant Eckhardt in Batman.


Iggy Pop plays the radio DJ in this movie. I'm not a huge Iggy Pop fan, but he does a fine job as the wacky post-apocalypse morning zoo type DJ.

The soundtrack is really cool. During one sculpting montage, Stigmata by Ministry plays while it shows a Gwar video. Also, the main theme is a Public Image Ltd. song called, Order of Death, which goes like. "This is what you want, this is what you get, this is what you want, this is what you get." I like that song.

This one dude gets totally chopped in half by a futuristic door. And when he gets chopped, he accidentally shoots another dude in the head. That's fucking great.


The killer robot totally had a drillbit penis. How do I know the drillbit was his penis? That's a terrific question. It's simple. The only time the drillbit pops out is when he's wrasslin' with the chick. Unfortunately, the drillbit penis never gets no love. Tragic.


One guy (trying not to spoil shit too hard, even though this movie's been out of print since two weeks after it was released) has this crazy dramatic death scene that literally goes on for 6 minutes, with flashbacks, montages, fractals, narration, cryptic mumbles, hallucinations, self-mutilation, the killer robot hamming it up and posing in front of a laser light show, opera music and bugs crawling out of his skin. And more. Fucking amazing.


Meh: The chick could have been hotter. I'm just saying. It was nice of her to show her boobs a little, but it would've been nicer if she were hotter.


The killer robot was pretty awkward. They didn't seem to have a consistent idea of what the killer robot was supposed to look like. Sometimes he was tall and spindly, sometimes he was short and squattly, sometimes he had a drillbit penis, sometimes he had a circular saw attachment, sometimes he just flailed his hands around like he was retarded. They did well enough with their budget, but certain parts look overly ameteurish. And sometimes he just looked like a robot head on a stick.


Shitass: Really early on, Burglekutt looks up the killer robot on some secret government website or something and it mentions the killer robot has one weakness. It gets all fucked up when it gets wet. Gee, I wonder how the robot dies in the end? (Hint: It gets wet.)


The End: After the lameness of the killer robot being moisted to death, it just sort of ends with a whimper. Not a great ending. But it's all bleak and apocalyptic and stuff, so it's fine. You get a big explodey and fightey long-winded climax, so the weak ending is kind of relaxing.


Verdict: On paper, it's not the best movie ever made. It definately has problems. But even when you point out all its faults, it's a badass movie. It's kinda artsy and kinda mean and kinda great. It's also kinda anti-america. I find that entertaining as well.