Filmdoom Exclusive: The Neverending Story Chronicles Volume I: Atreyu's Curse

Through my network of Hollywood spies, I've managed to obtain a copy of the treatment for the Neverending story remake that was recently green-lit. It actually sounds pretty good. It's just a treatment, not a script, but it seems like it's keeping pretty much the same overall tone of the original film, while also staying true to the book. Here are a few excerpts:

------

BASTIAN charges through the door, having just lost the bullies back in the alley. BASTIAN is in his mid-20's. Tall, very good looking, with hair like an anime character. He wears a long-sleeved thermal shirt with a stylish knit shirt over it. He looks like he could be in a popular band. Think Panic! At The Disco. BASTIAN looks around. He seems to be in some kind of strange otherworldly video store.

------

BASTIAN locks the door of the storage room above the nightclub. He takes out the shiny mini-DVD the old man at the video store gave him. It shines weirdly in the laser light reflecting up into the window from the dance floor below. 'The Neverending Story, huh? Sounds like some kind of lame kiddie movie.' BASTIAN slides the mini-disc into his IPOD VIDEO PLAYER and inserts the earbuds.

------

ATREYU gallops into the palace, riding his cyborg-stallion ARTAX. ATREYU is in his mid-20's, really good looking, rippling with muscles, bronze and slick with sweat. Maybe we can get Shia Lebeouf to play him. He wears a skin-tight black leather outfit and carries a wicked looking samurai sword sheathed across his back. A bright red scar bisects one eyebrow and snakes up into his close-cropped blonde hair. Tribal tattoos adorn his arms and glow magically in the flickering torchlight. ATREYU stands in the saddle and dismounts with an amazing double-backflip, landing near the throne of the CHILDLIKE EMPRESS.

The CHILDLIKE EMPRESS is a staggeringly beautiful blonde in her early 20's. She wears a brightly shining silver ringmail bikini, which shows off her long, tan legs and ample cleavage. As she turns to whisper in the ear of her chamberlain, ATREYU catches a glimpse of the CHILDLIKE EMPRESS's tattoo, a tramp stamp, also vaguely tribal and glowing in the torchlight.

ATREYU: You sent for me, Empress?
CHILDLIKE EMPRESS: I wasn't sure you'd come.
ATREYU (with a wry smile): After our last date, how could I not?
CHILDLIKE EMPRESS: That wasn't a date! I just wanted to have a little fun before I accepted the crown. And you were convenient.
ATREYU (suddenly angry): Enough. What do you want?
CHILDLIKE EMPRESS: Fantasia is threatened with utter destruction by a magical force we've never encountered before. Those who have witnessed it call it 'the Nothing'. I need you to find out what this Nothing is and how to stop it.
ATREYU: Why the hell should I?
CHILDLIKE EMPRESS: A moment ago one of my servants fed your beloved Artax a poisoned sugar cube.
ATREYU (drawing his samurai sword): YOU BITCH!
CHILDLIKE EMPRESS: SILENCE! It is a slow poison. Artax will be fine for another... week at least. After that, without the antidote which only I possess, Artax will die an agonizing death. I'm sorry, Atreyu. I had to be sure you would help us.
ATREYU (flexing his muscles): You'll give me the antidote...
(50 soldiers in black suits of armor covered in spikes appear behind the throne.)
CHILDLIKE EMPRESS: You'll get the antidote when you defeat the Nothing.
ATREYU: Well, it seems like I have no choice. Fine. I'll defeat your Nothing. But first, I need something from you.
CHILDLIKE EMPRESS: Anything.
ATREYU: The Shotgun of Sorrows. If I'm to fight a creature powerful enough to destroy our world, I need a weapon powerful enough to even the playing field.

-----

After the huge action-packed battle with MORLA, the beautiful witch who could transform into an even more beautiful golden dragon, ATREYU is slowly sinking into the bog of the Swamp of Sadness. Just as his head slides beneath the mud, a giant claw reaches down and saves him! It is FALCOR! FALCOR is an acid-breathing green LUCK DRAGON, sent by the CHILDLIKE EMPRESS to make sure ATREYU didn't skip out on their arrangement.

ATREYU: Wha-Who?
FALCOR: Name's Falcor. I'm the Luck Dragon the Empress sent to keep an eye on you and make sure you did what you were told. But since you were stupid enough to get your little horse killed, I guess I have to actually help you out, or we're all doomed.
ATREYU: Go to hell, you bastard.
FALCOR: Hahaha!

------

BASTIAN takes a bite of his 12" SUBWAY SANDWICH and washes it down with some RED BULL. He is about to take another bite, but pauses.

BASTIAN: No. Not too much. we've still got a long way to go.

------

As ATREYU approaches, he gets a better look at the SOUTHERN ORACLE. The SOUTHERN ORACLE is a giant 100-foot-tall statue of two beautiful women in bikinis, with their arms around eachother, seemingly about to kiss. As he nears the statue, the words of his teacher, ENGYWOOK the GREY NINJA, run through his head. 'You must be pure of heart, Atreyu. You must show no fear.' As he gets closer, ATREYU slowly pulls the shotgun of Sorrows from its holster. Eyeing the SOUTHERN ORACLE cautiously, ATREYU slides shells from his bandolier and loads the Shotgun. The SOUTHERN ORACLE's eyes begin to open! An evil light shines behind the eyelids! ATREYU knows he's only got a second to decide what to do before the SOUTHERN ORACLE's lasers burn him to ash. Smiling cruelly, he aims the Shotgun of Sorrows and pulls the trigger.

------

The black cloud swirls like an evil vortex, devouring the land. ATREYU climbs up the jagged cliff to safety as FALCOR clashes with G'MORK, high above. G'MORK is a gigantic black demon with hideous bat wings, breathing magical purple fire and firing lasers from his eyes. FALCOR seems to be holding his own, until suddenly G'MORK's claws tear through one of FALCOR's leathery wings! With a cry of despair, FALCOR drops out of the sky, falling into the vortex below. He is gone. G'MORK turns his eyes on ATREYU, who is just now crawling over the cliff edge. G'MORK lands on the cliff, not far from where ATREYU sits panting.

G'MORK: I see you've lost your shotgun. A pity.
ATREYU: I don't need a shotgun, G'mork. For there is a powerful being watching over us that can destroy you with barely a thought.
G'MORK: Oh, how scary. And what is the name of this being who can kill me so easily?
ATREYU: His name is... BASTIAN!

BASTIAN gasps, and looks around the storage room. The music from the nightclub starts pumping even louder, the laser lights shining more brightly.

BASTIAN: Me? Is he talking about ME?!

ATREYU: I need your help, BASTIAN! Come show this demon how we do things downtown!

BASTIAN: But... but I can't! My dad told me to keep both feet on the ground!

ATREYU: Goddammit, Bastian! Get your ass in here or so help me, I'll kick your tail from here to Rock Biter City!!
G'MORK: Enough of this foolishness! Now you die, Atreyu!!

G'MORK slashes out with his black tail, spearing ATREYU through his shoulder!

BASTIAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Leave him alone!!

Suddenly, BASTIAN is standing on the cliff next to ATREYU! G'MORK pulls his tail out of ATREYU's shoulder and howls!

G'MORK: Where did YOU come from?!

BASTIAN hugs ATREYU and softly lays him on the ground. ATREYU's eyes are open, but he's barely breathing.

ATREYU: What took you so long?
BASTIAN (tears slide from his eyes): I got held up in traffic. Oh, Atreyu, I'm so sorry. I didn't, I couldn't believe... How could I have known you were real?
ATREYU: It doesn't matter, Bastian. You're here now. Fulfill your destiny.
BASTIAN: But how? I'm just a kid. I don't even have any weapons.
ATREYU: Yes you do, Bastian. You always have.

BASTIAN looks confused, but then he starts glowing with a beautiful silver light. Something appears in his hands. It's some sort of weapon, 4 feet long, shining silver and looking extremely powerful.

BASTIAN: What is it?
ATREYU: It's your spirit weapon. The Bazooka of Inner Light. I... I don't think I'm going to make it. (cough) It's been an honor, Bastian. Don't worry about me. I'm going to join Artax now. Just promise me... promise you won't let Fantasia be destroyed without a fight.
BASTIAN: I promise, my friend. Rest now.

But ATREYU is already dead. BASTIAN closes ATREYU's eyelids and, with a grim look on his face slowly turns to G'MORK.

BASTIAN: You'll pay for that, you son of a bitch.
G'MORK: You're no match for me, boy!
BASTIAN: The name's Bastian.

BASTIAN raises the Bazooka of Inner Light to his shoulder as G'MORK rises into the air, screaming.

BASTIAN: Goodnight, sweetheart.

BASTIAN smiles and pulls the trigger.

------


If they stick to the treatment, this is going to be an awesome remake.

Filmdoom: The Howling V: The Rebirth (1989)

[[This review spoils the entire movie.]]

Back in ancient times in Budapest, a family that carries the werewolf gene decides to off themselves. Right when the last guy shoves a ridiculously large sword through his wife and then stabs himself by spooning with her, a baby cries. Oh shit, they forgot to kill the baby!




Cut to Budepest 1982 and a bunch of bad actors get invited to visit the castle from the first scene. A lot of time is spent while they get to know eachother, then take a long bus ride to the castle. Then they get to the castle and chit chat some more.


One guy decides to go off by himself and look around. He snoops around in a dungeon, looking at skulls and shit and a werewolf totally kills him!



But all you get to see is some teeth for two seconds. That's it. Fade to black and a choir shouts something that sounds like, "ZARTHOS!" a couple of times.

The Creepy Foreign Guy that invited them all to the castle stands around and acts all creepy and stuff.


Then the Dumb Girl and the Horny Guy take a bath together. "No funny stuff," she warns. Horny Guy is disappointed.


Out of work actress lady is wandering around, changing her clothes and stuff. British Ponytail Guy finds a secret passage and watches through a crack in the wall as Out Of Work Actress gets completely killed by a werewolf!




But all you get to see is crackview and a vague werewolf shape jump past. And the choir shouts, "ZARTHOS!"

British Ponytail Guy gets scared shitless and runs around like an asshole trying to find a way out of the secret passage. He finds a door that goes outside, but unfortunately there's a blizzard going on. He wanders around some big piles of snow when suddenly a werewolf jumps out of a snowbank and kills the crap out of him!




But all you get to see is a werewolfey shape lunging out of snow for three seconds. Lame. ZARTHOS!

By now all the boring bad actors realize something's fishy. The Worst Actor In The Universe argues with Creepy Foreign Guy and everybody else for a while.


They decide to split up and try to find the missing shitty actors. Dumb Girl and Horny Guy go off together and continue to not have any sex with eachother. Dumb Girl thinks something is following them. A scary noise happens and Horny Guy runs off without Dumb Girl like the horny coward he is. So the werewolf chases him down and grabs his face!




Yep. Just grabs his face and pulls him off the screen. That's it. ZARTHOS!

Worst Actor In The Universe is sitting around being an asshole. He peeps on naked Older Out Of Work Actress and notices they both have the same birthmark on their inner elbows. So the werewolf breaks through a door and eats the fuck out of him!




Thsi is the best shot were ever get of the werewolf. It lasts about 2 seconds. We don't get to see Worst Actor In The Universe die (as usual, we haven't seen anyone die in this thing), but later Bitchy Doctor Lady stabs his dead body through a curtain with a spear. ZARTHOS!


Bitchy Doctor Lady, Fruity British Guy, Dumb Girl, Older Out Of Work Actress, Creepy Foreign Guy and Creepy Foreign Guy's two foreign servants are still alive. By now Bitchy Doctor Lady and Fruity British Guy think Creepy Foreign Guy is the one killing everyone, while Older Out Of Work Actress disagrees. They lock Creepy Foreign Guy and his servants in a cell. Older Out Of Work Actress comes by later and lets them out. Creepy Foreign Guy is sure Fruity British Guy is the werewolf. He locks Older Out Of Work Actress in the jail cell and takes off to kill Fruity British Guy. While waiting in her jail cell, the werewolf comes by and chokes the shit out of her!




Once again, all we see is a werewolf arm for 3 seconds. Fade to black. ZARTHOS!

Creepy Foreign Guy and his servants catch Fruity British Guy and, convinced he's the werewolf, try to chop his head off. But Male Servant swings the axe wrong and accidentally chops off Female Servant's head! Then Dumb Girl pops in and shoots Male Servant with a crossbow! The best scene of the whole movie!




Nobody shouts ZARTHOS this time. ZARTHOSes are reserved for werewolf kills only.

Bitchy Doctor Lady finds Older Out Of Work Actress's dead body. She turns around and holy shit there's a werewolf!






At least we finally get half a look at the werewolf's face. It only lasts about 3 seconds though. ZARTHOS!!

Fruity British Guy chases down Creepy Foreign Guy and they're all like, "You're the werewolf!" "No, YOU'RE the werewolf!" "Am not!" "Are too!" Dumb Girl comes around the corner waving a gun. "Shoot Creepy Guy, he's the werewolf!" "No, shoot Fruity Guy! He's totally the werewolf!" Any idea who the werewolf is by now? I'm sure it will be a total surprise.


Dumb Girl doesn't know what to do! Who should she shoot?! She makes her decision. KA-BLAM!




Creepy Foreign Guy is dead. I guess he was the werewolf. Fruity British Guy hugs Dumb Girl and says, "Don't worry, you're safe now. The Creepy British Werewolf is dead. I'm totally sure he was the werewolf. 100%."


What's Dumb Girl smiling about? I guess she's just happy that the nightmare is over. Yep. No more werewolves. Hmmm... hang on. She's the werewolf!!! Holy shit! Run, Fruity Guy, run!!!

ZARTHOS!!!

And that's the end. Howling V wasn't a terrible movie. The only problem was the lack of werewolf sightings and on-screen kills. Out of the entire movie you see the werewolf for a total of about 18 seconds and it's usually just an arm or a snout. It doesn't make a lot of sense because in the one scene where the werewolf busts through the door you finally get to see the full werewolf suit and it looks pretty kickass. I don't understand why they were afraid to show the thing.

So yeah, all in all it was a pretty entertaining movie, but instead of calling it The Howling V: The Rebirth, they should probably have called it Werewolf Arm V: The Blur. Or maybe just ZARTHOS!

Filmdoom: Wargames: The Dead Code (2008)

[[This review contains spoilers. Not like anyone's gonna watch this turkey anyway.]]

The Plot: A 25 year old high school student finds himself caught up in a thrill-ride of straight to video intrigue when a computer goes haywire and arrests his mom because he's good at video games. No, really.

The Good: I drank several beers while watching this thing and then I fell asleep in the middle of it, waking up just in time to watch the last 5 minutes.

Claudia Black of Farscape and Stargate SG-1 totally does the voice of R.I.P.L.E.Y., the crazy computer. And she uses and americanish accent.


The Bland: Everything. The actors, the acting, the effects, the sets, the colors, the action. If unsweetened oatmeal were a movie, it would be this movie. The most interesting characters in the movie were R.I.P.L.E.Y. and JOSHUA, who was played by Colm Feore, the guy who played the evil guy in Storm of the Century.



The Ugly: The movie starts with R.I.P.L.E.Y. blowing up some terrorists with a missile shot from a drone plane. It is then explained to us that R.I.P.L.E.Y. found them because the terrorists came across some "hidden", "hard to find" internet gambling site and made a shit ton of money off of it (paid by the government) because they were really good at the game. Somehow that equals terrorist. Because apparently the game (called RIPLEY, how's that for clever?) is all about bioterrorism, therefore the only people who could possibly get a high score are bioterrorists. Get it? Good.


In the next scene, our hero (I forget his name, so let's call him Cutting Edge 3, because he starred in the TV movie, The Cutting Edge 3: Chasing the Dream) Cutting Edge 3 is strapped for cash because he wants to go on a school trip to Canada with the chess team that he is not actually a member of so that he can impress a girl who is really ugly when she cries and already obviously wants to ride him like a dromedary camel. Anyway, his annoying loud mouthed movie cliche' friend tells him about RIPLEY the game, which was obviously not all that hidden or hard to find. Still with me? I'm sorry. Okay, so Cutting Edge 3 plays the game, which consists of him flying a missile around a city and using chemical weapons trying to kill 100,000 people before the time limit runs out so he can win money.


It's funny how the worse a movie is, the more I have to explain the plot because it's so nonsensical, if you explain one thing, you have to explain ten other things to try and help the first thing make sense. I could keep going, but it's not going to help any. What is the point of this video game? No fucking clue.

The first thing the government does is arrest Cutting Edge 3's mom. Because she works at a chemical plant making mouthwash. The second thing the government does is arrest Cutting Edge 3's cliche' friend at the airport before they leave for Canada. At any point they could have arrested Cutting Edge 3, but for some reason they chose to arrest everyone else he knew that had never actually played the video game that led to them thinking he's a terrorist in the first place. Makes total sense.

Cutting Edge 3's mom gets so sick she has to be put in the hospital for reasons that are never given and government agents take cliche' best friend to the top floor of a parking garage which is furnished with a table, chairs and lights to interrogate him. At one point the agent leaves the room, blatantly dropping his jacket in front of cliche' friend, in the most obvious trap ever. So of course cliche' grabs the agent's phone out of his jacket and sends a text to Cutting Edge 3, who is at the airport in Canada. The agent comes back in, immediately grabs the phone, checks the outgoing texts and says, "Thank you!" with a big smile on his face. Because somehow the agents had no idea where Cutting Edge 3 was, but now they know exactly where to find him because cliche' texted him something like, "Run!". My brain hurts.

The rest of the movie is Cutting Edge 3 and Ugly When She Cries running away from The Government as uninterestingly as possible. Until...

They run into Professor Falken! Except it's just some random old guy that isn't even British and looks exactly nothing like Professor Falken. And he had exactly zero way of knowing:

• (a) that Cutting Edge 3 was in trouble
• (b) that Ugly When She Cries wanted Cutting Edge 3's knob and would end up being on the run with him
• (c) that he would be able to meet them at the airport in Canada
• (d) that Cutting Edge 3 was not in fact a terrorist in the first place.

Shortly after Cutting Edge 3 and Ugly When She Cries start running and meet Fake Professor Falken, I fell asleep because it was really, really stupid and boring.

By the way, the movie never explains what R.I.P.L.E.Y. stands for.

The End: When I woke up it was right at the end where they get JOSHUA to have a chat with R.I.P.L.E.Y. Predictably, JOSHUA plays a bunch of tic-tac-toe and checkers and global thermonuclear war with R.I.P.L.E.Y. until she says, "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play." Seriously. They couldn't even manage to write a new line for that. And then Cutting Edge 3 asks JOSHUA if he would really have blown up the world and JOSHUA says, and I quote, "Yes, the human race is finished. That was humor. Ha. Ha. Ha." ...

Verdict: The only winning move is not to watch.

Newsdoom: Whiskey For My Men...

You know, at first I was going to make fun of this thing. But then I watched the trailer and I gotta say... I really want to see it! It reminds me of those goofy action buddy b-movies from the 80's.

Apparently, BFMH was produced by Country Music Television and the screenplay was written by popcountry music stars Toby Keith and Rodney Carrington (doubt I've ever heard anything by either of them), who are also the stars of the movie. Also appearing are Claire Forlani, Ted Nugent, Barry Corbin, Tom Skerritt, Gina Gershon, Willie Nelson, David Allan Coe, and probably a bunch more pop country people I've never heard of. Check out the trailer:


Bigfoot trucks, uzis, shotguns, elbows to the face, vigilante justice, brief nudity, it's got everything I look for in a quality film. That Toby Keith fella could be the next Chuck Norris if he learns a jumping roundhouse kick and gets a few pairs of Action Jeans.

Filmdoom: The Gate 2: The Trespassers (1990)

-=[I don't think there are any spoilers in this review. I could be wrong.]=-

The Plot: Post-pubescent Terry's back and he wants to harness the evil power of the gate to make his dad not be such a drunk loser. Can post-pubescent Terry control the power of the gate? And now that post-pubescent Terry is post-pubescent, will he become a Dracula and beat up Wesley Snipes Like post-pubescent Stephen Dorff did? I hope so.

Kickass: Just like part one, the special effects are really sweet. When there are special effects. The little demon guy looks perfect, all the stop-motion animation is brilliant and the monster make-up looks swell. I only wish there was more of it.


In the beginning, post-pubescent Terry goes to prepubescent Stephen Dorff's old house from part one and tries to open the gate again. He's got loudspeakers for chanting magic spells into, a high-tech computer system and a pentagram made of lasers! If I had a pentagram made of lasers, people would finally start taking me seriously.


The chick that played the chick is totally Bobby Hill. I don't really like King of the Hill, but that's still pretty cool. I recognize her from lots of TV shows, most recently Boston Legal (which is a great show because Captain Kirk and Tuff Turf are in it). She's done an assload of voice work, including some kickass classic videogames like Grim Fandango, Escape From Monkey Island and Fallout. And she played a Mcnugget once in a Ronald McDonald cartoon. I would like to cover her in honey mustard.


The little demon guy is still very much the shit and very much awesome looking. Post-pubescent Terry keeps him in a cage half the movie and he looks totally real. This is why practical effects will always own CGI. When a practical effect looks great, I sit around wondering how they pulled it off. When a CG effect looks great, I know it's just photoshop. When a practical effect looks shitty, it's really funny. When a CG effect looks shitty... actually, they usually look shitty. Funny how it costs a jillion times more than making a realistic looking puppet or doing stop-motion and blue screen correctly, yet usually looks totally boring. Fuck Jurassic Park in the face.



Meh: Remember how in part one, there was almost no downtime and it was non-stop monkey business? Yeah, not so much in this one. In fact, it's mostly downtime. During the first big scene, when post-pubescent Terry is all opening the gate and the other kids show up and start fucking around, I thought, "Hell yeah, instant action! It's gonna be non-stop!" Sadly, I was wrong. Instead I got plenty of post-pubescent Terry being mopey at home, post-pubescent Terry and Bobby Hill having conversations, post-pubescent Terry and Bobby Hill having discussions, post-pubescent Terry and Bobby hill discussing conversations. It's like My Dinner With Andre. Well, not that bad, but what I'm saying is there's too much talking and not enough monstering. I mean, it's still an entertaining movie and all, I like the main characters, but it's just way too much yapping and not enough stabbing.



Shitass: There's barely any monsters, no possessed house and almost zero actual gate action. The gate actually doesn't show up until the very end of the movie. It's super cool looking and stuff, but you shouldn't make a sequel to the gate if nobody's going to have an evil gate in their backyard. Everybody knows that. And there's only ever ONE little demon! The little demons were like the best part of the first gate. What the hell, dude? It's like if someone made another Critters movie and there's only one critter and they keep him in a shoebox. Who the fuck wants to see that?


The two idiot greaser friends of Bobby Hill are the most annoying, shitty acting, sucky lame things in the picture. The head greaser seems like he's going out of his way to act as badly as possible. The runner-up greaser has this retard look on his face and giggles through the entire thing, and not in a good way. Head greaser even managed to ruin the best line in the movie because he sucks so much. He had just referred to Terry as Larry and runner-up greaser corrected him. Then he says, "Excuse me. So he's got a faggot's name instead of an asshole's name." You've got to be super lame to make that line not sound awesome. He also tortures the second best line in the movie. "Demons, man. Who needs chicks when you got demons?"



The End: The end is a lot of fun. Unfortunately, that's mostly because of the lack of monsters and cool stuff in the hour that precedes the end. But it's still pretty fun. You finally get to see the gate we've been hearing so much about, most everyone turns into a monster and someone finally gets stabbed.





Verdict: It's worth watching if you liked The Gate part one. It could have been a shitload better though. It needed more little demons, more mayhem, more screaming teenagers, a fucked up house and a gate in someone's backyard. And some post-pubescent Stephen Dorff. And Wesley Snipes. Other than that, it was okay.


[p.s. If you do actually watch this picture, be sure and watch through the end of the credits. Especially if you're an animal lover. It will make you feel all warm inside.]
[CLICK HERE to read my kickass review of The Gate!]