How 2 B Happy

I'm finding it difficult to be happy this morning. My skull has been overflowing with snot for the last week. My eyeballs feel like tiny glazed hams. My stomach is still a bit rocky from yesterday's one meal of Wolf brand chili (no beans) that I accidentally added moldy cheese to but ate anyway because I didn't feel like washing the pot out and starting over. My "moustache" is looking particularly unmoustachey this morning and I forgot to deodorize.
Normally I would resign myself to being unhappy for the rest of the day, but thanks to the Internet and Science I don't have to settle for anything less than utter glee by following a few simple, scientifically proven steps.
[These steps are excerpted from an article I found via The Presurfer.]

1) Savor everyday moments.
This should be easy enough. I have everyday moments like all day. Wait, I think I'm having one right now. Okay, I'm typing and I kind of like this keyboard. So I'll simply savor how much I kind of like this keyboard. Yep, it's a pretty decent keyboard. I like the clickety noise it makes when I type. Clickey but, you know, not too clickey. And letters are printed on each key as a handy reference. It certainly is a perfectly adequate keyboard.

2) Avoid comparisons.
I can see how constantly comparing myself to other things might make me feel bad. But then again it seems like comparing myself to stuff that's not nearly as awesome as me would be a plus. I hate to disagree with Science here, so I'll compromise.
First, I will compare myself to Vanilla Ice. I have cooler hair, cooler clothes, the entire universe doesn't despise me and I don't rap.
Second, I will listen to "Nothing Compares 2 U" 10 times in a row, while attempting to convince myself that the "U" in the title is actually a direct reference to me.

3) Put money low on the list.
I checked my priority list and noticed money was at number 4, so I moved number 8, "fancy sweaters", up to the number 4 position and moved "money" down to the number 9 position in between the newly upgraded number 8, "Glenn Danzig" and "all things Pokemon" at number 10.

4) Have meaningful goals.
I assume that by "meaningful" they also imply "attainable", so that might be a tough one. I can't just say, "My goal is to cure polydactylism this week" and feel better about myself. Hmm. Okay, then my goal is to give a sad clown a reassuring pat on the back whenever I run across one. This will cheer up the clown and make me feel happier. As an added bonus, though easily attainable, the chances of me running across a sad clown in the future are infinitesimally small. I believe I have found a loophole that allows me to feel good for wanting to do something meaningful and attainable, yet most likely won't occur in my lifetime, which makes me feel even better. It's like a perpetual-motion machine for happy feelings and I don't have to actually do anything. I need to copyright that shit.

5) Take initiative at work.
This one is a little more difficult. At my work, documents get put into my in-box, I fiddle around with the documents and put them into the out-box. I can't do any more work than I'm already doing. I can't help co-workers, as we're all doing the same work, as well as the same volume of work. I can't think of any improvements to suggest that will somehow streamline the process of "get work-do work-hand in work-repeat".
So I decided to put up a motivational poster. It has two kitty cats playing in a flower bed, with big block letters underneath that say, "Work shall set you free!" The poster originally had a different picture on it, but I thought kitties would be much more motivational.

6) Make friends, treasure family.
I already made friends like 15 years ago, so I don't need to waste my time with that one. I like to think of TV's The Hogan Family as my real family and I cherish them every night at 12:30am on TNT. I wonder what manner of shenanigans Sandy Duncan will have to deal with tonight.

7) Smile even when you don't feel like it.
I don't usually feel like smiling when I'm having a big dump, so I'll give that a shot from now on, starting today immediately after lunch.

8) Say thank you like you mean it.
Gee, Science, why is it you just assume I'm a huge liar when I say thanks to people? I totally mean it any and every time I say thanks. Which is why I almost never do it.
Oh, and for the record, Science, if you don't believe me, you can kiss my ass.

9) Get out and exercise.
This suggestion is a bit vague. Technically, I "get out" and "exercise" every day. Many times a day, in fact. And that doesn't even count all the times each day that I "get in" and "exercise" while I am "in". Either I'm wasting a whole lot of effort, or Science is really trying to say, "Get out specifically to exert your body for the sake of improving your health".
In that case, tonight when I run out of beer I will walk the three blocks to the store to get another 12-pack, rather than have the neighbor's dog pull me on a skateboard like I usually do. The dog's health and the neighborhood's enjoyment of my drunken antics may suffer, but my body will thank me and I will feel happier.

10) Give it away!
Unfortunately, I typically don't have anything to comfortably give to charities. But recently I got a pretty decent paying job, so for the first time I can actually afford a little bit of charity here and there. I was about to look up worthwhile organizations to donate money to when I remembered the old saying, "charity begins at home" and I bought myself a computer. Sucks for the needy people, but I'm happy as hell now.

Thanks, Science!