You've Got The (Boob) Touch! You've Got The (Boob) Power!

In the interest of Science, I did a Google blog search for the words "touched my boob". Here are some of the best boob touching stories in the entire Internets and Blogglesphere.

"I told them to pose with the chief. He stepped between them and smiled. He then pointed up and spoke only two words, "snow cloud".

We all looked to the sky to see if we too could see the snow clouds forming above us. We were impressed with his knowledge of nature. I gave him a couple of bucks and off we went. We wanted to get down the mountain before the snow.

As we pulled away I asked my family if they enjoyed having their photo taken with a real indian chief? My mother said these words I will never forget, "That man touched my boob!"
At last the secret of Chief Snow Cloud was revealed. And to think I pay the guy to feel up my mom."

For photogiraffic evidence, check out the original post. I can't believe Chief Snowcloud went for the Mom with Sis rocking that amazing sweater. Maybe he went in for the double-grope, but miscalculated the trajectory of his right hand and ended up gripping a firm, perky shoulder. Happens to me all the time.

Next is the brilliantly titled "I really like this boy who randomly touches my boobs" from DearCupid.org:

"There's a boy I am really attracted to. We get off at the same bus stop and all. The other day, we were just sitting on the bus when he touched my boob. Randomly, out of nowhere, just stuck his hand out and touched my boob. I was caught off guard, because I've never been touched before, but I liked it. The rest of the day I was happy."

Ah, young love. And to think of how much time I've wasted at bars trying to think of good pick-up lines, buying drinks, pretending to be interested in stuff I'm not interested in, when I could have just walked up to a chick and poked her in the boob.

And of course some prudish spinster had to totally be a wet blanket in her reply:

"It isn't taking your friendship to the next level to inappropriately grab your boob."

Maybe not for you, Grandma. How do you take it to the next level? Knit a doily? I'm sure that shit worked great when you were young. IN THE 1800's! Zing!

Here's some more terrible advice from another repressed octogenarian:

"Like a boy who treats you with respect and dignity and wants to get to know you, not your boobs."

Oh yeah, I'm sure it's every girl's fantasy for a guy to call her up and say, "I would like to take you out to dinner tonight and get to know you better. Please leave your boobs at home, I am not interested in getting to know them." Real romantic.

Next up, some words of wisdom from Jacqui321:

"recently, alot of people have been questioning my ability to fancy steve martin, ok yes hes 63, but he still knows how to swing his love stick at that goood aul age. Steve Martin is a mature man, therefore, hes not gonna be a douchebag like most 20 year old men i know. He also has nice cars, lots of money, a boat most likely, money, a will, money, nice armani suits and of course a nice big house in the hollywood hills and did i mention money?"

Money is my favorite quality in a woman. And most likely a boat. Just like that little girl said in the movie Aliens: "They most likely come out in a boat. Most likely." But what does this have to do with boob touching, you ask? Let us read further as Jacqui321 tells us her favorite things about coked up french tennis pro Richard Gasquet:

"he can speak more than one language, thats so hot
hes intelligent, but
not in a patronising way
he has nice eyes
he has nice body
im pretty
sure he has a nice dongle
he has houses in many areas of the world
he is
a GENTLEMAN!!thats rare these days
he is romantic, also rare these days
he knows what he wants in life
my name would look good beside his
hes cultured and well-traveled
he earns alot of money
he has touched my boob, last year at wimbledon, therefore, we already have a love
connection."

I'm rooting for you, Jacqui321! I bet someday you, Steve Martin and Richard Gasquet will get married. In a boat most likely.

Here's an excerpt from a post-apocalyptic novel Kassandra is writing called Madison, After:

I twisted away from him but he slid across the seat, forcing me against the door. "I'll scream. Swear to god."

"Go ahead. If you don't make me happy, Uncle Pinkus will hear about it. Do you want your dad to swing on the end of a rope? Think about it."

"Guess I'd better make you-" I swung my book at his face. "-happy."

It connected with his jaw and he snarled as he pawed it away. I reached for the door handle and he caught me by the arm, yanking me close. His lips crawled over my neck and when I looked in his eyes, I saw a black mark on his iris as though someone had taken a tiny slice out of his eye.

"That's better," he said and touched my boob.

Suddenly the door on my side flew open, and the book-reading migrant, Tierney, looked inside.

"Your dad's asking for you, girl."

For a moment, Gant's grip on my boob got tighter, then he pushed me toward Tierney. I climbed out, shaking.

"Go to your dad," said Tierney. "And don't look back."

Dad stood at the corner of the chicken shed, his face so white it was almost green.

Behind me, windshield glass shattered.

Madison, After might be the best novel about post-apocalyptic boob touching ever written. And I've read many. I mean wrote.

BONUS For The Ladies entry. From the only result found searching for "touched my man boob":

"Hey there everyone on this vast universe known as the internet.
Yesterday was an awesome day, and today was awesome also.

1. Yesterday I worked for 2 hours and made $40. God has been so good to me finacially lately. I've made over $400 dollars this week on commision. And I got to see Frank, (the first time since our fight.) He was a little grumpy, but not with me. He reminds me of Gandalf sometimes. The way he looks

2. That afternoon was worship practice. Were doing an upbeat set to compromise for the last 2 weeks being a slower set. Were doing:
I need You (Punk Praise song)
Trading My Sorrows
Joyful Noise
I Love Your Presence
No One Like You
And speaking of worship, I get to lead worship on May 26th for both Jr. High and Sr. High. That'll be cool. I'm thinking of doing horn worship.

3. I went to Jose Osheas and didn't realize it was Cicno De Mayo. Everyone was drunk. A women touched my man boob. That was awkward.

4. I talked with Savannah for about an hour and felt all special. We prayed and it was cool"

Well, shit, that wasn't sexy at all. Sorry, ladies. If it makes you feel any better, you're all welcome to touch my boob anytime.