5 Things: Awesome Tattoo Ideas

Tattoos are cool. When done properly, they distill everything anyone needs to know about who you are into one convenient little picture, which saves a lot of time. Sometimes when someone at the bus stop asks me what I do for a living or what kind of books I like to read, if I'm in a hurry I simply point to my tattoo of a unicorn with laser eyes fighting an acid breathing tiger in a ninja suit. And then they're like, okay. Enough said.

I've been thinking about getting a new tattoo lately. The hardest part is always deciding what to get. I mean, there's got to be at least a thousand different things that exist. Which one thing or combination of several things do I want permanently etched into my skin? A hobo? A dolphin wearing a parachute? Yosemite Sam urinating on Garfield? I just can't decide. And which part of my body should I put it on? So many options. Help me, Internet! What should I choose?!


I love music. I also love musical groups who play the music that I love. Perhaps I should get a tattoo of the names of several of my favorite musical groups. The gentleman in the above picture obviously has pretty good taste in music. And I like how he has them arranged on his leg, like a shopping list or something. It also reminds me of the cover of my math book in junior high. Man, I wish I still had that book cover. I could just bring it into the tattoo parlor and say, "I want this!" Then people would take one look at me while I'm doing kata in my cutoff gi bottoms on my front lawn every morning and say to themselves, "Now that guy loves music!" And they'd be right.


This guy looks almost exactly like my math book.



What a thoughtful tattoo. I can't tell you how many times I've made soft, tender love to a young lady in the downward facing dog position and thought to myself, "I sure wish I had something to read right now." Of course, this particular tattoo would have more limited use for me, as I rarely find myself in the downward facing dog position with someone standing close enough behind me for such a length of time that reading material would be appreciated. Perhaps my proctologist would enjoy this tattoo. I think he's a Sikh, though, so I doubt he'd enjoy the bible quote. Maybe some knock knock jokes, or a Goofus and Gallant comic strip would be more appropriate.


Ah, the classic neck tattoo. Nothing says, "I'm cooler than the average guy" like a big, colorful neck tattoo. And the flamingos have sunglasses on, which is pretty much the universal symbol for coolness. Am I right, Tom Cruise? Yeah I am. I'm not sure if I could rock a neck tattoo though. I think I'd get nervous if everyone I had a conversation with stared at my throat the entire time.


I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Wow, what a shitty tattoo." Well, you're right and wrong. This tattoo was obviously done by a friend of the person in that photo. So, what this tattoo is telling people is, "I have friends." That's a good thing. Sometimes I'll see an attractive girl in a bar and, just when I'm about to go over and work my magic, I realize... she's all by herself. Then I start thinking, "Does she not have any friends? What kind of person doesn't have friends?" A bad person, that's what kind. I mean, it's possible she's not there alone, that maybe her friend is in the bathroom having a good long poop, or maybe she's in the parking lot doing a bunch of coke with some guy she just met, I don't know. Without a shitty homemade tattoo, there's no way to know. And that cost her the night of her life.


Or maybe a sweet dragon tattoo. You can't go wrong with a sweet ass dragon on your back. The bigger and brighter, the better. Look at the detail on this one. I swear, it looks like it could just fly off her back and attack a village or something. When you have a dragon on your back, people know you mean business. I knew this guy Lawrence when I worked at Burger King, and he had the most kickass dragon on his back. And he meant business all day long. One time I was all, "Hey Lawrence, that's a kickass dragon," and he was like, "No duh." Lawrence didn't need me telling him his dragon was awesome. I could have kicked myself for saying that.

Well, I have lots of ideas, but I still just can't decide. Getting a tattoo is a pretty important decision, so I want to make sure I choose the right thing. I'd hate to pick something and then a little while later feel stupid for getting it.

UPDATE: Well, I finally decided what to get. At the end there I was torn between getting a small flower on my ankle or a tattoo that would have made my bellybutton look like a monkey's asshole. That would have been hilarious. I almost did that. But then I remembered a tattoo that I've wanted ever since I was in the 5th grade.

The Boss.














Angela! Samantha! Mona!