Dude!From what I can tell, the Holy Creatures Quest has something to do with orcs and zombies trying to buttrape some guy outside that castle from Lord of the Rings part 3. As cheesy fantasy metal album covers go, this one isn't too bad. The only issue I have with this picture is the shitty dragon or bird or bat or whatever that thing is supposed to be floating above the castle. That is the exact thing kindergarteners come up with when asked to draw a seagull. It's so lazy and out of place, I can only assume this is what happened:
Artist: I have created my greatest masterpiece. It is perfect.
Band: Dude! Awesome! Check out those fuckin' orcs and shit!
Artist: Umm.
Band: That shit is sweet, dude. You know what it needs, though...
Artist: Needs? It is perfect! It is the culmination of my entire life's work! It needs to be hung in the Louvre so that humanity may contemplate its perfection and beauty.
Band: Well, yeah. Totally. But yeah, it needs like a big fuckin' dragon! Yeah, like flying all over the castle and breathing fire and shit, right? That would be ultimate.
Artist: ...
Band: I mean yeah, like it's totally perfect as it is, bro. But maybe it would be like more perfect with a kickass dragon, you know? Dragons make cool shit awesome.
Artist: Let me see if I understand. You want me to take this masterpiece, this perfect work, and wipe my ass with it. Is this what you want?
Band: What? No way, dude. Just stick a dragon in there. It'll be the shit, trust me.
Artist: Stick a dragon in there? Stick a dragon in there?! You want a fucking dragon, eh? Here, let me give you your goddamn fucking dragon!
(Artist sticks his finger in a can of black paint and smears a vague seagull shape on the canvas. Artist then throws the painting at the band and shoves them toward the door.)
Artist: There! Enjoy your shitty dragon, philistines! Bastards!
Anyway, the image led me to their page on Encyclopaedia Metallum. Apparently Kerion is a "symphonic power metal" band from France and they used to be called Kirlian (big diff, although renaming the band may not have been a great idea. more on this later). The album includes such timeless classics as "Queen of the Gorgons", "Battle of the Golems" and "Minotaurus's Furor". Here is a small sampling of the lyrics:
Medusa queen of the GorgonsFrom Queen of the Gorgons. That shit is deep, yo.
you won't turn me into stone
cruel tempting song of the Gorgons
inside my head always resounds
in the reflection of my sword
you can't escape from your dark gaze
ironic end for Medusa
petrified with her magic sight
as pure as the water which flows in a river strong, wild and fierce impossible to tame by manFrom Riders of Innocence, AKA Innocent Unicorns. What the fuck is a knowledge stone? And does the virgin have to sit against it, or just the dew?
only a virgin with the freshness of the dew sitting against the knowledge stone could catch a delicate unicorn
pillar of the dark forces of chaosFrom Minotaurus's Furor. Actions speak louder than words is totally what makes me live too.
perfect symbol of might and bestiality
fantastic monster...looking for warriors to fight
being neither fully human or beast
haunting corridors into the labyrinth
what makes him live (is)... "actions speak louder than words"
I'm not making fun of the lyrics, honest. I mean, it's fantasy metal. And they're french. These might not be the best fantasy metal lyics I've ever read, but they're definately not the worst. Heck, I write songs with lyrics like, "their engines blaze, their lasers lase" and "cuz I got these three little words that I really wanted to say / big rubber dick" so I'm not in any position to talk shit about lyrics.
I was intrigued by what I had seen so far. But what I had yet to see was what they sounded like. So I headed back to my trusty sidekick Google to see if I could find some of Kerion's fresh jams.
Gah! What the shit?! Scalp ringworm?!?! I quickly keyed in "kerion BAND" and located their Myspace page. And checked my scalp for worms. Gross.
I listened to Minotaurus's Furor and... to tell you the truth, it kind of rocks. Sort of sounds like Deathklok meets Queen with a chick singing. About minotaurs. It made me realize that listening to a chick singing symphonic power fantasy metal songs about minotaurs gives me boners. If you like minotaurs, fantasy metal or boners, I highly suggest you check out Kerion.
The band. Not the scalp worm.
striking with an heavy hammer of steel
shaking shields, armors, crushing helmets and skulls
nothing can stop the...fury of wild minotaurus
body of a man but head of a bull
his upset mind belongs forever to darkness
condemned to roam through... the lands for battlefields
ultimate rampart for valiant heroes
before wizards cast their magic spell
against the legion... of dead, walking to your town
pillar of the dark forces of chaos
haunting corridors into the labyrinth
nothing can stop the...fury of wild minotaurus
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