Kick Punch Kick

He reminds me of Chop Chop Master Onion from Parappa.

Whoops, Wrong House

[via IMDB]

"Actor Dolph Lundgren's wife was tied up by armed robbers who demanded cash and jewellery in a terrifying raid.

The Rocky IV star away from his Marbella, Spain home at the time of the burglary, but wife Anette found herself at the mercy of three masked attackers.

They terrorised her into handing over money and valuables.

But the three robbers fled when they spotted a family photo - and realised they had targetted the home of the tough guy actor.

A source tells Britain's Daily Mail, "Things might have turned out very differently if Dolph had been in. The criminals fled as soon as they realised the owner of the house they had raided was someone they wouldn't want to come up against in a fight. They left Anette pretty traumatised. She's Dolph's angel and anyone who messes with her is messing with him."

Police are still hunting the three attackers."

Also, here's a new pic of Universal Soldiers: The Next Generation, directed by John Hyams, the son of Peter Hyams the director of TimeCop, Sudden Death and End of Days and now the cinematographer for Next Gen. It's also known as Universal Soldier III, which is funny since there already was a Universal Soldier 3 in 1998 which co-starred Burt Reynolds, who also starred in Universal Soldier 2: Brothers In Arms with Gary Busey.



Burt Reynolds will also appear in the soon-to-be-released Not Another Not Another Movie with Chevy Chase, apparently a spoof movie that spoofs spoof movies, which also features Michael Madsen and Vinnie Jones.

This Is How I Feel

Directed by Brian Posehn. Via Bob and David.


Also this. If anybody can get me a copy of the full pilot, I'll suck you off.

The Fickle Hand Of Fate: Kerion

[In which our intrepid hero allows the Fickle Hand of Fate and Google image search to decide what to blog about today. The random word generator chose the word "quest", the magic Internet die roller told me to go to page 8, image 4 of the search results. And this is what I found.]

Dude!
From what I can tell, the Holy Creatures Quest has something to do with orcs and zombies trying to buttrape some guy outside that castle from Lord of the Rings part 3. As cheesy fantasy metal album covers go, this one isn't too bad. The only issue I have with this picture is the shitty dragon or bird or bat or whatever that thing is supposed to be floating above the castle. That is the exact thing kindergarteners come up with when asked to draw a seagull. It's so lazy and out of place, I can only assume this is what happened:

Artist: I have created my greatest masterpiece. It is perfect.
Band: Dude! Awesome! Check out those fuckin' orcs and shit!
Artist: Umm.
Band: That shit is sweet, dude. You know what it needs, though...
Artist: Needs? It is perfect! It is the culmination of my entire life's work! It needs to be hung in the Louvre so that humanity may contemplate its perfection and beauty.
Band: Well, yeah. Totally. But yeah, it needs like a big fuckin' dragon! Yeah, like flying all over the castle and breathing fire and shit, right? That would be ultimate.
Artist: ...
Band: I mean yeah, like it's totally perfect as it is, bro. But maybe it would be like more perfect with a kickass dragon, you know? Dragons make cool shit awesome.
Artist: Let me see if I understand. You want me to take this masterpiece, this perfect work, and wipe my ass with it. Is this what you want?
Band: What? No way, dude. Just stick a dragon in there. It'll be the shit, trust me.
Artist: Stick a dragon in there? Stick a dragon in there?! You want a fucking dragon, eh? Here, let me give you your goddamn fucking dragon!
(Artist sticks his finger in a can of black paint and smears a vague seagull shape on the canvas. Artist then throws the painting at the band and shoves them toward the door.)
Artist: There! Enjoy your shitty dragon, philistines! Bastards!

Anyway, the image led me to their page on Encyclopaedia Metallum. Apparently Kerion is a "symphonic power metal" band from France and they used to be called Kirlian (big diff, although renaming the band may not have been a great idea. more on this later). The album includes such timeless classics as "Queen of the Gorgons", "Battle of the Golems" and "Minotaurus's Furor". Here is a small sampling of the lyrics:

Medusa queen of the Gorgons
you won't turn me into stone
cruel tempting song of the Gorgons
inside my head always resounds
in the reflection of my sword
you can't escape from your dark gaze
ironic end for Medusa
petrified with her magic sight

From Queen of the Gorgons. That shit is deep, yo.

as pure as the water which flows in a river strong, wild and fierce impossible to tame by man
only a virgin with the freshness of the dew sitting against the knowledge stone could catch a delicate unicorn

From Riders of Innocence, AKA Innocent Unicorns. What the fuck is a knowledge stone? And does the virgin have to sit against it, or just the dew?

pillar of the dark forces of chaos
perfect symbol of might and bestiality
fantastic monster...looking for warriors to fight
being neither fully human or beast
haunting corridors into the labyrinth
what makes him live (is)... "actions speak louder than words"

From Minotaurus's Furor. Actions speak louder than words is totally what makes me live too.

I'm not making fun of the lyrics, honest. I mean, it's fantasy metal. And they're french. These might not be the best fantasy metal lyics I've ever read, but they're definately not the worst. Heck, I write songs with lyrics like, "their engines blaze, their lasers lase" and "cuz I got these three little words that I really wanted to say / big rubber dick" so I'm not in any position to talk shit about lyrics.

I was intrigued by what I had seen so far. But what I had yet to see was what they sounded like. So I headed back to my trusty sidekick Google to see if I could find some of Kerion's fresh jams.


Gah! What the shit?! Scalp ringworm?!?! I quickly keyed in "kerion BAND" and located their Myspace page. And checked my scalp for worms. Gross.

I listened to Minotaurus's Furor and... to tell you the truth, it kind of rocks. Sort of sounds like Deathklok meets Queen with a chick singing. About minotaurs. It made me realize that listening to a chick singing symphonic power fantasy metal songs about minotaurs gives me boners. If you like minotaurs, fantasy metal or boners, I highly suggest you check out Kerion.

The band. Not the scalp worm.

striking with an heavy hammer of steel
shaking shields, armors, crushing helmets and skulls
nothing can stop the...fury of wild minotaurus

body of a man but head of a bull
his upset mind belongs forever to darkness
condemned to roam through... the lands for battlefields

ultimate rampart for valiant heroes
before wizards cast their magic spell
against the legion... of dead, walking to your town
pillar of the dark forces of chaos
haunting corridors into the labyrinth
nothing can stop the...fury of wild minotaurus

I LIED!

This would have looked a lot better if I knew how to work Illustrator. I screwed up Peter's left eye, but had no idea how to fix it. Among other things. I'm going to redo this one when I know what the hell I'm doing. The sketch looked better. See?

I'm learning. I would keep fucking around with it, but I've been working on this for like three hours and I'd rather go drink a beer and watch Commando.

What The Fuck Am I Looking At?!

AND WHY CAN'T I STOP?! Is he made of jerky? Does he sweat motor oil? Is his last name Hellbeast? Will I ever forget what I have seen here today?
[via Totally Looks Like]

Mr. Fett? Mr. Vader Will See You Now.

[click for full-size awesome]

I started out planning to draw a tanuki suit. Somehow I ended up with Boba Fett at a job interview.

Just for giggles I attempted to watercolor it with Photoshop, which I barely know how to use. It's not great, but I only spent about 10 minutes doing it.

As you can see, I have much to learn. Most people probably would have used layers and masks and shit. I'm way too cool for that. I also have no idea how to use layers and masks and shit. And I have zero patience.

Oh, in case you're wondering... he did get the job. He performed quite well and recieved a bonus for his good work. But then he fell into a Sarlacc pit like a little bitch.

Insanity And Death Lurk In Those Eyes

Gaaah!!

If you haven't been to Picture Is Unrelated, go now. I only wish they posted more pictures per day.

This reminds me of the time I saw the incredible Hulk at JC Penny's when I was about 5. He was walking around, not just sitting in a chair like how those things usually work. I was all excited and then he got halfway close to me and I just burst into fucking tears and about shit my pants. Not my proudest moment.

I'm also reminded of when I sat in Spiderman's lap to pose for a picture around the same age. I noticed a hole in his cheap outfit and thought to myself, "This guy ain't Spiderman." That was the day my innocence shattered and I never believed in anything ever again. Fake Spiderman ruined my life.

I wish still had the pictures. Maybe the Internet has them.

I never got my picture taken with Santa. Even in preschool that guy set off my bullshit detector immediately. And possibly my gaydar.

Welcome To The Roughnecks. Beetle's Roughnecks!!

[click picture for full-size awesome]

They're doing their part. Are you?

Join the mobile infantry and save the world.

Service guarantees citizenship.

If He Were A Supervillain: Jason Voorhees

[click the picture for full-size awesome]

Alias: Friday Thirteen
Powers: Limited teleportation (maximum 20 yards), invulnerability, superhuman strength, telekinetic ability to make dead bodies swing out of trees to scare people.
Weaknesses: Women pretending to be his mother, bald children.

It's been many years since I read "How To Draw Comics The Marvel Way". In high school, I was great at drawing hands, but I find it very difficult now. I really need to buy a set of illustration pens. I only have one pen and it has a tip like a paint brush, so detail is unpossible.

Slave Shatner

I'm not proud of this. RobJax gave me this idea, and I sketched this out to see if I could pull it off. I used to be pretty good at figure drawing, but as you can see my talent has grown pretty weak from lack of use. I already spent about an hour screwing around with this and I think it's obvious I should come back to this idea later, once I've gotten some of my old skills back with more practice. Oh, and I did the head super quick in Photoshop by throwing a 50% opacity Shatner photo on a layer and tracing it. I didn't expect it to look any good, as I had already decided not to try to finish it as it is. But it's a funny idea, so I thought I'd show it to you.

By the way, when I went to scan my sketch, I found that the HP software has decided not to work after exactly TWO scans. I checked HP's website to find a fix and guess what? Their software apparently cannot properly function with Windows Vista, so their solution is "Use MS PAINT's scanning function". Seriously? MSPAINT?! If I hadn't gotten this printer free, I'd be returning it right now. Luckily I was only temporarily using the printer with my Vista laptop until I can get a shelf built next to my XP machine, so this won't be an issue from now on.

Enter the Millipede

Unfortunately, I managed to dick up pretty much every solo I attempted that night, but I think we did pretty kickass for our first show, especially since we only had like 6 practices. Anyway, check out our myspace page for two more videos (that are larger and not cut off) and more that will be added soon.

And don't forget to tell me how totally awesome I am. Because I'm fucking awesome.

Shocking Smurftopsy Photo!

The idea for this popped into my head this morning while I was watching the new Die Hard. Mostly I just wanted to draw something simple, yet awesome, and quick so I could scan it and try to learn how to use Illustrator and Photoshop to make it look decent and halfway professional. It didn't come out quite as good as I had hoped, mainly because Illustrator is really fucking complicated. I learned many things in the process, though. Not bad for my first try, I'd say.

Also of note: I tried googling around before I started this picture and it seems that nobody has done anything like this before. It surprises me that, with all the terrible things on the internet, things that should never be allowed to exist, I may have drawn the very first picture of a smurf autopsy. Is that good or bad?

Iron Giant Awesomeness

[it looks slightly better if you click it]
Hey lookie I got a scanner now. I got the idea for this picture while I was at work today. I wish I had some paint and knew how to paint, because I'd totally make a big painting of this. If I were a better artist, I would have made the battleship look like a real battleship and added a little town around his feet and some tanks and shit, but I'm not a better artist, so be happy with what you got. I do like it though, so hopefully someday I'll redo it and make it look way better. This was just a quick sketch. If you don't know what famous picture I'm referencing with this drawing, it won't seem nearly as clever or awesome as it actually is. And probably still won't once you see the original. Anyway, I was going to do more work on it with Photoshop or Illustrator, but since I barely know how to open those programs, much less use them, I decided coloring and other advanced techniques will have to wait for another day. Maybe tomorrow?