Imminent Vroom!

Look out, mofos, Jack Burden's got crazy wheels and he's not afraid to be awesome! The DoomCycle goes from zero to Ultimate Badass in .5 seconds. We cannot be stopped, we cannot be reasoned with. It's time to fuck shit up.

The Tough Elf

My erstwhile colleague Austin Theodore Logan was digging through his closet the other day, probably searching for his dirty cache of ladies undergarments, when he discovered an assortment of things from his past. One of those things was a paper he wrote in 1991, when he was only 11 years old. I think it's a pretty great paper and I can't believe his fuckface teacher only gave him a B. I'll reprint it verbatim (I found the picture from an image search of "the tough elf"; oddly, it looks exactly like Austin):

The Tough Elf

Once oupon a time there were two elves that were freinds.One day an ogre kidnapped one of them and took her to a castle.The other elf went after her armed and equipped so he went on his way. Unfortunately, he had to go through a forest to get to the castle and the forest was filled with monsters.The elf was walking along in the forest and saw a Wendego. The Wendego is a ten foot tall humanoid monster.The Wenego attacked the elf,and the elf dodged doged and crawled up a tree and stabbed it. It died,so the elf pulled the sword out and went on.All went well for a while but after awhile he but the sky darkend and he saw a Griffen the Griffen swooped down at the elf and grazed his sholder,then the griffen came down but the elf had his sword out and when the griffen came down it ran into the blade and died.Then a few minutes later a goblin jumped on him and they started to fistfight. after awhile the elf got kicked back and got his sword and killed the goblin.Then the elf rested up.The next day he got to the castle. The gate was surrounded by ogres so he got some rope and climbed the wall.When he got up the wall and saw a hobgoblin. So he stabbed it.Next there was a harpy, a cross between a snake, a bird , and a woman.The harpy bit his shoulder but when it bit him he cut off it's head off and then he saw some ogres and blinded them and killed them.Then a big ogre stepped out and the elf's friend was there. She was tied up.The elf said, "Are you the one who took her?"The elf said the ogre said "Yes"so the elf got his sword out andkilled it and they lived happily ever.

THE END

By;AUSTIN THEODORE LOGAN

Take that, Ogre, you asshole! (do you see what I did there?) Anyway, that was a sweet story. It's too bad that not only does his shitass teacher not recognize genius, but, judging by the marks on Austin's paper, he/she also has no understanding of basic grammar. The teacher missed several errors that should have been marked, and then marked several errors that either weren't errors, or corrected the errors inappropriately. In one spot parentheses were marked where commas would have been more correct. I know, right? And fuck errors anyway, because a paper this awesome deserves an A+++ and four or five gold stars. You can shove that B up your grammatically incorrect ass, stupid teacher who was obviously drunk.

In closing, I would like to say that Austin Theodore Logan is a True American Hero and I believe that, after I die, he will definitely be elected President of Space. Stay beautiful, my elfin friend.

[Mr. Logan enjoying a nap after his birthday party, perhaps dreaming of new adventures for the tough elf]

KaijuDan: Monster Créateur

Sometimes I use Blogger's random blog button in the hopes that I'll find something awesome. I never do. I never do until today. Today I found KaijuDan.

KaijuDan is probably french. I say this because his blog is in french. KaijuDan draws monsters. Awesome monsters. I'll let KaijuDan explain...
[All KaijuDan's posts were translated with Google's language tools. And for the record, I'm not making fun of him. This is exactly the kind of shit I drew in junior high and I love it.]

"YOU KNOW THE DRAWING MONSTERS BUT YOU DO NOT SEE THE BENEFIT? On the contrary, there is one! ON THIS BLOG IS THAT YOU CAN FINALLY SEND YOUR DRAWINGS! Just a pencil and a little creativity! I ACCEPT ALL MONSTERS OF DRAWINGS AS GOOD BAD IT sufit FOR ME TO SEND THE FOLLOWING ADDRESS: MOKETOYA@LAPOSTE.NET. THEN RUN YOUR PENCILS AND MAYBE YOUR TALENT IS FINALLY appreciated!"

KaijuDan has only done 4 posts so far:

"The History of Kaijus."

"If I made this blog, not only for you to show your drawings but also to show mine. I called the Kaijus. This means in Japanese "Creature deformed"

and these are all unique creatures I counted over a hundred, until I lost my workbook where they were all listed T_T ... and yes, that's life but hey, it didn ' not stop them again! I found some papers in my courses Kaijus ... These creatures are controlled by the Kaijudan that you sent above /\"
---

"Mortepoigne, the symbiotic"

"Kaiju Here is the source of all others. Capable of forming another Kaiju in his back by divine lightning, it is the first Kaiju a successful future in our world. If you look closely, you see he wears a mask. This mask is identical to that of Kaijudan, and wears a crucifix on his left eye. (Most Kaijus door one but it does not dilute their power ...)"
---

"Sombrecri the anhialator"

"Sombrecri is one of the most formidable Kaijus. Able to raze a village in a single note, his voice can reach 4TetraDécibels (4 000 000 000 000 decibels, the maximum for the human ear is 230 Decibels ...), sound strong enough for a anhiler whole universe, and powerful enough to vibrate the same time it ..."
---

"The mask of terror"

"Here is the mask of terror. Under this mask lies a torture Kaiju still unknown, a seemingly immense power. This power was too much problem to the Divine Interventon (Creators of Kaijus) and fearing it might rebel, he posed the mask of terror. The draft of the nails is proportional to its suffering. So, the more he suffers, the more nails sink. Not forgetting that if it dies, the mask for the rescucitera retu. But why keep him alive if he must die? Who knows, maybe one day it will be released ...."
---


I'm definitely going to keep checking back for new art. I hope someday KaijuDan notices that he's got a fan. Just in case, I'll leave him a special message:

KaijuDan, je pense que vous êtes tout simplement extraordinaire. Vos dessins règle! Nous devons absolument jouer Nintendo ensemble. Même s'il est trop mauvais que vous êtes français.

RoboShirt Activate!

How awesome is my awesome shirt? I know, right? Pretty fucking awesome.

Thanks again to Topless Robot and Chop Shop for the kickass shirt! Rock on with your cock on.

Now when the robot overlords take over, they'll know I'm cool.

5 Things: Awesome Tattoo Ideas

Tattoos are cool. When done properly, they distill everything anyone needs to know about who you are into one convenient little picture, which saves a lot of time. Sometimes when someone at the bus stop asks me what I do for a living or what kind of books I like to read, if I'm in a hurry I simply point to my tattoo of a unicorn with laser eyes fighting an acid breathing tiger in a ninja suit. And then they're like, okay. Enough said.

I've been thinking about getting a new tattoo lately. The hardest part is always deciding what to get. I mean, there's got to be at least a thousand different things that exist. Which one thing or combination of several things do I want permanently etched into my skin? A hobo? A dolphin wearing a parachute? Yosemite Sam urinating on Garfield? I just can't decide. And which part of my body should I put it on? So many options. Help me, Internet! What should I choose?!


I love music. I also love musical groups who play the music that I love. Perhaps I should get a tattoo of the names of several of my favorite musical groups. The gentleman in the above picture obviously has pretty good taste in music. And I like how he has them arranged on his leg, like a shopping list or something. It also reminds me of the cover of my math book in junior high. Man, I wish I still had that book cover. I could just bring it into the tattoo parlor and say, "I want this!" Then people would take one look at me while I'm doing kata in my cutoff gi bottoms on my front lawn every morning and say to themselves, "Now that guy loves music!" And they'd be right.


This guy looks almost exactly like my math book.



What a thoughtful tattoo. I can't tell you how many times I've made soft, tender love to a young lady in the downward facing dog position and thought to myself, "I sure wish I had something to read right now." Of course, this particular tattoo would have more limited use for me, as I rarely find myself in the downward facing dog position with someone standing close enough behind me for such a length of time that reading material would be appreciated. Perhaps my proctologist would enjoy this tattoo. I think he's a Sikh, though, so I doubt he'd enjoy the bible quote. Maybe some knock knock jokes, or a Goofus and Gallant comic strip would be more appropriate.


Ah, the classic neck tattoo. Nothing says, "I'm cooler than the average guy" like a big, colorful neck tattoo. And the flamingos have sunglasses on, which is pretty much the universal symbol for coolness. Am I right, Tom Cruise? Yeah I am. I'm not sure if I could rock a neck tattoo though. I think I'd get nervous if everyone I had a conversation with stared at my throat the entire time.


I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Wow, what a shitty tattoo." Well, you're right and wrong. This tattoo was obviously done by a friend of the person in that photo. So, what this tattoo is telling people is, "I have friends." That's a good thing. Sometimes I'll see an attractive girl in a bar and, just when I'm about to go over and work my magic, I realize... she's all by herself. Then I start thinking, "Does she not have any friends? What kind of person doesn't have friends?" A bad person, that's what kind. I mean, it's possible she's not there alone, that maybe her friend is in the bathroom having a good long poop, or maybe she's in the parking lot doing a bunch of coke with some guy she just met, I don't know. Without a shitty homemade tattoo, there's no way to know. And that cost her the night of her life.


Or maybe a sweet dragon tattoo. You can't go wrong with a sweet ass dragon on your back. The bigger and brighter, the better. Look at the detail on this one. I swear, it looks like it could just fly off her back and attack a village or something. When you have a dragon on your back, people know you mean business. I knew this guy Lawrence when I worked at Burger King, and he had the most kickass dragon on his back. And he meant business all day long. One time I was all, "Hey Lawrence, that's a kickass dragon," and he was like, "No duh." Lawrence didn't need me telling him his dragon was awesome. I could have kicked myself for saying that.

Well, I have lots of ideas, but I still just can't decide. Getting a tattoo is a pretty important decision, so I want to make sure I choose the right thing. I'd hate to pick something and then a little while later feel stupid for getting it.

UPDATE: Well, I finally decided what to get. At the end there I was torn between getting a small flower on my ankle or a tattoo that would have made my bellybutton look like a monkey's asshole. That would have been hilarious. I almost did that. But then I remembered a tattoo that I've wanted ever since I was in the 5th grade.

The Boss.














Angela! Samantha! Mona!

You've Got The (Boob) Touch! You've Got The (Boob) Power!

In the interest of Science, I did a Google blog search for the words "touched my boob". Here are some of the best boob touching stories in the entire Internets and Blogglesphere.

"I told them to pose with the chief. He stepped between them and smiled. He then pointed up and spoke only two words, "snow cloud".

We all looked to the sky to see if we too could see the snow clouds forming above us. We were impressed with his knowledge of nature. I gave him a couple of bucks and off we went. We wanted to get down the mountain before the snow.

As we pulled away I asked my family if they enjoyed having their photo taken with a real indian chief? My mother said these words I will never forget, "That man touched my boob!"
At last the secret of Chief Snow Cloud was revealed. And to think I pay the guy to feel up my mom."

For photogiraffic evidence, check out the original post. I can't believe Chief Snowcloud went for the Mom with Sis rocking that amazing sweater. Maybe he went in for the double-grope, but miscalculated the trajectory of his right hand and ended up gripping a firm, perky shoulder. Happens to me all the time.

Next is the brilliantly titled "I really like this boy who randomly touches my boobs" from DearCupid.org:

"There's a boy I am really attracted to. We get off at the same bus stop and all. The other day, we were just sitting on the bus when he touched my boob. Randomly, out of nowhere, just stuck his hand out and touched my boob. I was caught off guard, because I've never been touched before, but I liked it. The rest of the day I was happy."

Ah, young love. And to think of how much time I've wasted at bars trying to think of good pick-up lines, buying drinks, pretending to be interested in stuff I'm not interested in, when I could have just walked up to a chick and poked her in the boob.

And of course some prudish spinster had to totally be a wet blanket in her reply:

"It isn't taking your friendship to the next level to inappropriately grab your boob."

Maybe not for you, Grandma. How do you take it to the next level? Knit a doily? I'm sure that shit worked great when you were young. IN THE 1800's! Zing!

Here's some more terrible advice from another repressed octogenarian:

"Like a boy who treats you with respect and dignity and wants to get to know you, not your boobs."

Oh yeah, I'm sure it's every girl's fantasy for a guy to call her up and say, "I would like to take you out to dinner tonight and get to know you better. Please leave your boobs at home, I am not interested in getting to know them." Real romantic.

Next up, some words of wisdom from Jacqui321:

"recently, alot of people have been questioning my ability to fancy steve martin, ok yes hes 63, but he still knows how to swing his love stick at that goood aul age. Steve Martin is a mature man, therefore, hes not gonna be a douchebag like most 20 year old men i know. He also has nice cars, lots of money, a boat most likely, money, a will, money, nice armani suits and of course a nice big house in the hollywood hills and did i mention money?"

Money is my favorite quality in a woman. And most likely a boat. Just like that little girl said in the movie Aliens: "They most likely come out in a boat. Most likely." But what does this have to do with boob touching, you ask? Let us read further as Jacqui321 tells us her favorite things about coked up french tennis pro Richard Gasquet:

"he can speak more than one language, thats so hot
hes intelligent, but
not in a patronising way
he has nice eyes
he has nice body
im pretty
sure he has a nice dongle
he has houses in many areas of the world
he is
a GENTLEMAN!!thats rare these days
he is romantic, also rare these days
he knows what he wants in life
my name would look good beside his
hes cultured and well-traveled
he earns alot of money
he has touched my boob, last year at wimbledon, therefore, we already have a love
connection."

I'm rooting for you, Jacqui321! I bet someday you, Steve Martin and Richard Gasquet will get married. In a boat most likely.

Here's an excerpt from a post-apocalyptic novel Kassandra is writing called Madison, After:

I twisted away from him but he slid across the seat, forcing me against the door. "I'll scream. Swear to god."

"Go ahead. If you don't make me happy, Uncle Pinkus will hear about it. Do you want your dad to swing on the end of a rope? Think about it."

"Guess I'd better make you-" I swung my book at his face. "-happy."

It connected with his jaw and he snarled as he pawed it away. I reached for the door handle and he caught me by the arm, yanking me close. His lips crawled over my neck and when I looked in his eyes, I saw a black mark on his iris as though someone had taken a tiny slice out of his eye.

"That's better," he said and touched my boob.

Suddenly the door on my side flew open, and the book-reading migrant, Tierney, looked inside.

"Your dad's asking for you, girl."

For a moment, Gant's grip on my boob got tighter, then he pushed me toward Tierney. I climbed out, shaking.

"Go to your dad," said Tierney. "And don't look back."

Dad stood at the corner of the chicken shed, his face so white it was almost green.

Behind me, windshield glass shattered.

Madison, After might be the best novel about post-apocalyptic boob touching ever written. And I've read many. I mean wrote.

BONUS For The Ladies entry. From the only result found searching for "touched my man boob":

"Hey there everyone on this vast universe known as the internet.
Yesterday was an awesome day, and today was awesome also.

1. Yesterday I worked for 2 hours and made $40. God has been so good to me finacially lately. I've made over $400 dollars this week on commision. And I got to see Frank, (the first time since our fight.) He was a little grumpy, but not with me. He reminds me of Gandalf sometimes. The way he looks

2. That afternoon was worship practice. Were doing an upbeat set to compromise for the last 2 weeks being a slower set. Were doing:
I need You (Punk Praise song)
Trading My Sorrows
Joyful Noise
I Love Your Presence
No One Like You
And speaking of worship, I get to lead worship on May 26th for both Jr. High and Sr. High. That'll be cool. I'm thinking of doing horn worship.

3. I went to Jose Osheas and didn't realize it was Cicno De Mayo. Everyone was drunk. A women touched my man boob. That was awkward.

4. I talked with Savannah for about an hour and felt all special. We prayed and it was cool"

Well, shit, that wasn't sexy at all. Sorry, ladies. If it makes you feel any better, you're all welcome to touch my boob anytime.

Oh Shirt I Won The Shit!

YeeEEeeeEEEeeeeeEEeEeEEeeeeEessSSSSS!!!!!!!1
I won I won I won I won I won I woooonnnnnnnn!!
This is the best day of my life.

"Next up is Jack Burden, who I decided to make a winner after planning to give him like six Honorable Mentions. Here are just three of his amazing entries:

Iron Giant says,
"I am not a gun, Hogarth."
Fuck you, you're a gun.

Hey there, Roy Batty.
Stop breaking my fingers, bro.
I like unicorns.

Tranzor's in trouble!
Send out Aphrodite-A!
Her tits are missiles!

Definitely take a look for his other entries; you won't be disappointed."

Thanks Topless Robot! And thanks to ChopShopStore without whom I would have no free shirt! And special thanks to my government job that paid me double time to write haikus about robots on a saturday.

There ended up being over 860 entries in this contest, many of which were multiple entries in one post, including the incredible Glitchy Goblin who did 70 haikus in a single post, which included every single robot on that shirt and much more. If you're ever bored, or you just like haikus about robots, you could do worse than read through all the entries. This contest was epic and kickass.

And now, oddly, I have the chorus and guitar solo from Def Leppard's fantastic song Photograph stuck in my head. Awesome! If my life were a movie, this is exactly what would be playing right now. And it's the perfect time for you to run to the bathroom if you have to pee, or get more popcorn or something.