My erstwhile colleague Austin Theodore Logan was digging through his closet the other day, probably searching for his dirty cache of ladies undergarments, when he discovered an assortment of things from his past. One of those things was a paper he wrote in 1991, when he was only 11 years old. I think it's a pretty great paper and I can't believe his fuckface teacher only gave him a B. I'll reprint it verbatim (I found the picture from an image search of "the tough elf"; oddly, it looks exactly like Austin):
The Tough ElfOnce oupon a time there were two elves that were freinds.One day an ogre kidnapped one of them and took her to a castle.The other elf went after her armed and equipped so he went on his way. Unfortunately, he had to go through a forest to get to the castle and the forest was filled with monsters.The elf was walking along in the forest and saw a Wendego. The Wendego is a ten foot tall humanoid monster.The Wenego attacked the elf,and the elf dodged doged and crawled up a tree and stabbed it. It died,so the elf pulled the sword out and went on.All went well for a while but after awhile he but the sky darkend and he saw a Griffen the Griffen swooped down at the elf and grazed his sholder,then the griffen came down but the elf had his sword out and when the griffen came down it ran into the blade and died.Then a few minutes later a goblin jumped on him and they started to fistfight. after awhile the elf got kicked back and got his sword and killed the goblin.Then the elf rested up.The next day he got to the castle. The gate was surrounded by ogres so he got some rope and climbed the wall.When he got up the wall and saw a hobgoblin. So he stabbed it.Next there was a harpy, a cross between a snake, a bird , and a woman.The harpy bit his shoulder but when it bit him he cut off it's head off and then he saw some ogres and blinded them and killed them.Then a big ogre stepped out and the elf's friend was there. She was tied up.The elf said, "Are you the one who took her?"The elf said the ogre said "Yes"so the elf got his sword out andkilled it and they lived happily ever.THE ENDBy;AUSTIN THEODORE LOGAN
Take that, Ogre, you asshole! (do you see what I did there?) Anyway, that was a sweet story. It's too bad that not only does his shitass teacher not recognize genius, but, judging by the marks on Austin's paper, he/she also has no understanding of basic grammar. The teacher missed several errors that should have been marked, and then marked several errors that either weren't errors, or corrected the errors inappropriately. In one spot parentheses were marked where commas would have been more correct. I know, right? And fuck errors anyway, because a paper this awesome deserves an A+++ and four or five gold stars. You can shove that B up your grammatically incorrect ass, stupid teacher who was obviously drunk.
In closing, I would like to say that Austin Theodore Logan is a True American Hero and I believe that, after I die, he will definitely be elected President of Space. Stay beautiful, my elfin friend.
[Mr. Logan enjoying a nap after his birthday party, perhaps dreaming of new adventures for the tough elf]
Posts
That toilet picture just fucked my brain up because, upon first glance, I thought that towel was the hand of god patting him on the head.
ReplyDeleteWTF??? that paper getting a B is WAY generous! you can't write worth a turd and that's a fact. Talk about lame, I mean, its one thing to think up a great story but you butchered the telling of it and authors everywhere would be embarrassed from your attitude. If you got better, sure, you have the imagination to come up with a somewhat interesting story but it can't be just "boy meets girl. boy slays beasts over and over with sword. boy saves girl." I'd expect that to come from a kid... so I wouldn't claim injustice on this one dude. Sorry, I hate to be so harsh but don't act all high and mighty unless you have something real to back it up. Keep working and maybe take some Creative Writing classes and then you can say what you said. Maybe then people will look twice at your work without getting completely bored by your simple descriptions and uninteresting storyline.
ReplyDeleteActually, sir or madam, not only was this story reprinted in a college textbook under the chapter, "HOW TO WRITE A SUPER AWESOME STORY", but The Tough Elf has recently been optioned to become a major motion picture with none other than Frank Darabont writing the screenplay. Bet you feel pretty dumb now, huh? Yeah you do.
ReplyDelete