Behold, The Birthpocalypse

Click for awesome. I sure wish I didn't suck so bad at lettering. Oh well, come see me rock out in THREE bands in one night. It will induce orgasms.

I Suck

It sure has been a while since did anything worthwhile here, huh? Sorry about that. By now I have no more readers, but that's okay. They'll be back. I'm still busy trying to get my three bands under control and still have some sort of night life (which means, time enough to watch a movie and then spend 2 drunken hours afterward trying to write witty things about what I've just seen). Also there might be a few more interesting things on the horizon to make this blog more than the one-trick-pony it's been for a while now. I'll give you a hint: Arts & Crafts. I've said too much already. Anyhow, if anyone's still with me, I'll make an effort to post something halfway entertaining at least once or twice a week. Probably an empty promise, but work has been slowing down quite a bit lately, so we'll see. And now here is a picture of Cobra Commander kicking a puppy. Goodnight.

Worst Blog Ever? Maybe!

Looks like it's going to be another lame week here at Imminent Doom. I have band practice tonight and a show at Beerland tomorrow night with Black Panda, and another band practice thursday night. It's also been retarded busy at work the last two weeks, so I haven't had much time to worry about writing witty movie reviews that nobody will ever read. Hopefully it will start slowing down at work over this week and next week I'll get back to whatever it is that I do.

In other news, today is St. Patrick's Day. Band practice is over around 9pm. If anyone wants to pound beers between 9pm and 11pm, give me a call.

Also, I still have not seen Watchmen. Because some of you are jerkholes who don't call people back even though you promise you will call people back. I know this is pretty passive-aggressive putting it on my blog, but if I called you, you wouldn't answer your phone anyway and I would be too annoyed to leave a message. So I'm putting it here.


Actually, now that I think about it, if you want to drink beers tonight, don't give me a call. Because the call will be a lie. If you want to drink beers tonight, just show up at my house. That way I won't have to sit around and wait all night for someone who isn't coming.

P.S. Be sure to mark April 5th on your calendars. It is the night all 3 of my bands will be playing Beerland, including the debut of Scourge of the Millipede. It will be mindshattering.

Doomnews: Howard The Wha?!

[via Topless Robot]

Holy shit! Never thought I'd see the day.

Also...


If this turns out to be not as awesome as the trailer makes it look like it's going to be, I'm going to slash my wrists and drink poison. Just warning you.

Doomnews: I Will Rock You

The first flyer I ever made. What do you think? I thought it turned out okay, but I had to whip it up at work in about an hour, so I could have used more time to tweak the colors and find better fonts and such.

So yeah, tomorrow night, come rock out with us. It's Austin's birthday show, so I will be playing with Get to da Chopper!!! at around 10pm (with our new drummer!) and then Black Panda later on (probably headlining). Kind of sucks for me, as I have to be up at 6am the next morning, but I think I can handle it. Just have to make sure I don't drink any beer until I actually start playing.

I got a busy week, so I don't expect to be able to do any big posts until at least friday. That's the bad news. The good news is, at some point this weekend I will be reviewing Uwe Boll's newest masterpiece, Far Cry. Be sure to hold your breath in anticipation.


In other news, for you movie nerds, how would you like to read a 125-page transcript of the 1978 story conference between Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Lawrence Kasdan concerning a certain movie they were going to make together? Yeah, I thought so. Calm down. This is the link to download the 125-page PDF file. This is a link to an article that shows some of the more interesting stuff in it, for those of you who don't want to read 125 pages. It also includes the link to the file. If you try and use the file download link and get redirected to some crappy video search site, just close the window and try again. I got to the PDF on my second try.

Well, sorry I don't have more for you this week, but them's the breaks. I gotta get back to work now. Here is a nice Starriors picture for you to enjoy until I can get my shit together enough to post something good.

DoomIIe: Third Earth Trail

I’ve been thinking about the Thundercats today. I realized it must have been very difficult for them to carve out an existence by themselves on Third Earth after having fled the destruction of their home planet, Thundera. They not only managed to survive, but also built a big house on a nice mountain and lived happily ever after, despite Mumm-Ra constantly  trying to kill them all.

It’s just a TV show, though. I wonder. I wonder if it’s actually possible that under those circumstances they would not just survive, but flourish in their new environment.

Let’s find out! I have devised a Scientific way to test whether it would have been possible for the Thundercats to survive long enough to find a new home in an unfamiliar environment with very few supplies and no clothes (look at the picture up there; they were all totally naked when they got to Third Earth).

The image above was expertly photoshopped to fix the title. No other images in this post are altered in any way.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough slots to include WilyKit and WilyKat, but they suck anyway so let’s just assume they died during the crash landing. Which they probably would have in real life. Because they’re lame and nobody likes them.

I decided not to give them food because I doubt they  would have had food stores ready in their escape craft, which was never intended for long voyages to find new planets. If they had food to begin with they were definitely all out when they got to third Earth. I gave them plenty of Oxen because in the show they got lots of help from the Berbils, a gentle race of cyborg teddy bears.

And away they go. They might have a little trouble starting out since it’s cold and they have no clothes. But they’re tough.

Oops. only 5 days in and Snarf has cholera. Well, I never expected Snarf to survive. He’s a whiny little pussy.

The first river. I assume the Thundercats will always try to ford the river because, aside from Snarf, they’re all brave and strong and they’re not afraid of rivers.

Whoops. Looks like they were attacked during their crossing by Mumm-Ra’s henchmen, Slithe, Jackalman, Monkian and Vultureman. Bad luck. Rest in peace, Cheetara and Tygra.

It’s not like I didn’t see this coming. Snarf didn’t last two weeks. Good riddance.

River number two. They didn’t do so good at that last river, but the Thundercats are nothing if not optimistic, so I’m guessing Lion-O and Panthro would try to ford the river again. And this one’s only 4 feet deep. No problem.

Lost a few Birbles and spare parts, but otherwise they made it just fine.  Thundercats, HO!

Running low on Birbles. Maybe I should pick some more up at the next stop.

Damn. Only 17 days in and Panthro died. Of measles. Of all the Thundercats, I expected a lot more from you, Panthro.

Uh-oh. Luckily there’s a Birble village nearby. I’m sure Lion-O will make it.

Crap. Well there you have it. After only 21 days, every last Thundercat is worm food. Scientific proof that there’s no way the Thundercats would have survived, much less prospered, in a harsh, unfamiliar environment.

There is one thing that I didn’t do, though. I didn’t allow the Thundercats to hunt for food because I never saw them hunting for food on the show. This could possibly have skewed my results. But probably not. Science doesn’t make mistakes.

Saturdoom

I’m working a 12 HOUR SHIFT today. 10am to 10pm. Please kill me. Or get me drunk tonight. Or both.

Star Trek: The Wrath Of The Search For The Voyage To The Final Undiscovered Country

I don't know if you've seen the new Star Trek trailer, but I have and... well, it looks kind of kickass. I was already looking forward to the new movie even though I thought it would probably suck, but now I think it has a good chance of mostly not sucking. To celebrate my newfound hope of a non-sucky Star Trek movie, I thought I'd do a little Star Trekrospective (do you see what I did there?). This should be interesting, since I have a really shitty memory, yet I refuse to plan or research anything in advance and I haven't actually watched any of these movies in at least a decade (except for part 1 which I last saw about 3 years ago).

Star Trek (or as the nerds call it, Star Trek: TOS)
To be honest, I never watched Star Trek when I was a kid. Star Wars was my favorite movie at that time, so Trek just looked cheesy. Around high school age, I finally got around to watching a few episodes and discovered that they were, in fact, very cheesy. And boring. I know I saw the tribbles episode, and thought that one was okay. I don't remember anything else from the other maybe 3 or 4 other episodes I've seen. Except that Kirk has awesome kung-fu skillz.


Star Trek: The Motion Picture
I saw Motion Picture a few times before adulthood. I always thought of it as pretty boring and I never really got it. The bald lady always freaked me out. A couple of years ago I decided to watch the special edition DVD and I found that, now that I'm old, it's pretty awesome. Especially that part where Spock flies through Vger's butthole. One thing that always struck me as odd about the Star Trek movies is that, very much unlike the series, the ship interiors are dark as fuck. It's like they're in an after hours space nightclub the whole time. At one point in this movie they go into the Enterprise's space nightclub after hours and 7th Heaven guy plays a video game with Bald Lady and I think it's actually brighter in there than on the bridge. Also, they all appear to be wearing pajamas with pagers attached to their bellybuttons. Space pagers.


Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Part 2 is typically the fan favorite of the series (mine as well), and that's thanks in no small part to a disconcertingly muscled Ricardo Montalban as Khan Noonian Singh. Seriously, they could have made two hours of Khan quoting mean sounding Shakespeare lines and threatening Kirk with violence and it would have been almost as badass. This movie has so much awesome jam packed in it, even the unawesome parts become awesomer by osmosis. Or awesomosis. Anyway, between ear-loving bugs that turn people into Khan-loving jerks, the most badass bomb ever made, Khan having his face half burned off and Spock getting his face all gross and melted by radiation, this could very well be one of the best movies ever. And it set the Star Trek precedent for having space battles that come off like WWII submarine duels with starships flying within 50 feet of eachother incredibly slowly while taking turns shooting until someone loses, much like the old "punch eachother in the arm until one guy cries" game we used to play when we were kids. Oh, and their uniforms had built-in space napkins!
Here's some super nerdy trivia: In an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Khan's son and Kirk's son play a couple of space drug addicts that hate eachother. It's a really lame episode though.


Star Trek III: The Search For Spock
This is one of my least favorite Trek movies. I remember when I was in junior high I had a poster for III on my wall that I'd gotten for free from a video store. I kept it up just because it was a Star Trek poster, but whenever I looked at it, I felt angry that the movie sucked so much. I think I've only seen it one time all the way through, and all I can remember is that it involves a lot of naked Teen Vulcan grunting and the Genesis planet looked really shitty and cheap. And Pon Farr is fucking stupid.


Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
As a child, I loved The Voyage Home because it was funny and parts of it happened in space. As an adult I came to realize that, while it is funny, it's also retarded and sucky and a total rip-off because it barely happens in space. And it coincidentally co-stars the mom from 7th Heaven, who is not nearly hot enough to be a Kirk love interest. Also, whales don't have galactic pen pals. That's just dumb. Whales are losers who are too stupid to grow legs and walk around like the rest of us mammals. Fuck whales. Right in the blowhole.


Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
This is the worst of all the original cast Star Trek movies in my opinion. I think I've seen it twice, the second time just to make sure it was still as torturously boring as I remembered it. I don't remember anything about it except that Spock's half-brother is a hippie douchebag and that at the end Captain Kirk kicks God's ass.


Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
The third best original Trek movie, after Khan and Motion Picture. The Klingons decide to put Kirk on trial for being too awesome and because he's totally racist against Klingons. What they don't realize is that Kirk is so awesome, a Klingon prison can't possibly contain his awesomeness. So Kirk has to single-handedly (with his friends' help) save the universe from a racist Klingon plot to assassinate Clarence Boddicker, that guy that tried to kill Robocop. Or something. It's been a while since I've seen it. Kim Cattrall is really weird looking and it's incredibly stupid that Klingons somehow think Shakespeare was from planet Kling or whatever.

Did I miss any? I think that's it. So that's 3 good movies, 2 shitty movies and 1 dumb movie. Not bad. Next Generation didn't have any good movies. Now we just have to wait until May with our fingers crossed and eagerly anticipate the Hayden Christensen-esque Chris Pine hatred that is sure to come. He ain't no Shatner.

The Best Thing You'll See Today

[via Slashfilm and pretty much everywhere by now]

On Deep Roy

Gordeep Roy, AKA Deep Roy, 4'4". You remember this wacky little guy from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, he played all the Oompa Loompas. Deep Roy was born in Nairobi, Kenya and is apparently a "blue blood" descendant of Majarajah Vinepal, 26 generations removed. Whatever that means. Anyway, he moved to England at some point and started out as a stand-up comic, but soon enough Hollywood kicked down his door and said "Hey tiny person, want to be a star?" To which Deep Roy replied, "Fuck yes!"



This is Teeny Weeny, the Racing Snail rider from The Neverending Story. He was talking to that hairy guy who rode the sleepy bat and he was all like, "Check out the Rock Biter" and then the Rock Biter ate a rock and almost killed everyone. That part ruled.



This is Droopy McCool. He played the space-flute in the Max Rebo Band in Jabba the Hutt's palace. He also has one of the stupider names in the Star Wars universe, which is really saying something. And I guess they ran out of costumes by the time they got to Droopy. Brown boxers? That's a fashion faux pas if I've ever seen one.
He also played an Ewok and was R2-D2 in The Empire Strikes Back during a scene with Yoda on Dagobah. I wonder if Deep Roy and Yoda hung out together after work. Yoda seems like he's probably a pretty cool guy in real life.



Aww, what a pretty monkey. Actually, that's Deep Roy as Thade's niece in the nearly unwatchable Planet of the Apes remake. I barely remember what went on in that movie, as I saw it only once and spent most of that time swearing and shaking my fist at my TV, as if my TV were somehow to blame. But, just in case, I threw my TV in a dumpster later that evening. You can never be too careful.



He also played this Gorilla Kid from that same horrible movie. Doesn't look like the make-up guy spent nearly as much time on Gorilla Kid as he/she did on Thade's niece. Probably racist.



Say hello to Mr. Soggybottom from Big Fish. I saw Big Fish one time. I don't really remember anything about it. Most writers of edutainment articles would actually research shit like this and watch everything they plan to include. I, on the other hand, am perfectly content slapping up a picture from a movie I don't remember and babbling about nothing for a paragraph just to up my word count. Anyway, it's a cool looking costume. Maybe I should watch it again? Yeah, probably not. The title makes me think of Finding Nemo, which totally sucked it.



This is Fellini, Princess Aura's pet from Flash Gordon. He didn't do a whole lot in this movie. Just kinda stood around and looked weird. Good job looking weird, Fellini. A+.



Couldn't find a picture, but Deep Roy played Zammis, Dennis Quaid and Louis Gosset Jr.'s crazy space-lizard baby in Enemy Mine. IMDB only lists the kid who played Teen Zammis, who also went on to play Teen Jem'Hadar on Deep Space Nine oddly. But, I promise Deep Roy totally played Tween Zammis. It seems IMDB isn't as smart as it thinks it is. And it's probably racist.



Deep Roy was Tin Man in Return To Oz, with that creepy girl who looks all cracked out now that she's grown up and her skin was all gross looking in the Island of Dr. Moreau remake.



Here he plays Mr. Sin, apparently some kind of evil puppet in the Dr. Who episode, The Talons of Weng-Chiang. Check out what wikipedia has to say about Mr. Sin:

"Originally known as the Peking Homunculus, it is a cyborg from the 51st century that has the cerebral cortex of a pig. Designed as a toy, it almost causes World War Six when its organic parts assert themselves and it kills the Commissioner of the Icelandic Alliance and his family. It later accompanies Magnus Greel when he escapes to the 19th century. Its love of slaughter and hatred of mankind eventually lead it to betray Greel, after which it is deactivated by the Doctor when he disconnects the circuitry in its back."

Awesome! As a child, I always wanted to be a 51st century cyborg with the cerebral cortex of a pig when I grew up.



I never saw this movie, but that's a great picture.

He was also in The Dark Crystal, but I have no idea what character he played. Aside from all his great roles in movies, Deep Roy is also an accomplished stunt man! No shit. He mostly does the stunts for children in movies, as he is child sized but not afraid of danger. He even did a few Leprechaun stunts in Leprechaun!


Deep Roy. Super awesome tiny man. I would like to low-five him. And carry him around in my backpack.

[If you want to learn more about Deep Roy, or hire him, or send him love letters, or see actual pictures of him with his Zammis make-up on, check out his official website.]