Imminent Vroom!

Look out, mofos, Jack Burden's got crazy wheels and he's not afraid to be awesome! The DoomCycle goes from zero to Ultimate Badass in .5 seconds. We cannot be stopped, we cannot be reasoned with. It's time to fuck shit up.

The Tough Elf

My erstwhile colleague Austin Theodore Logan was digging through his closet the other day, probably searching for his dirty cache of ladies undergarments, when he discovered an assortment of things from his past. One of those things was a paper he wrote in 1991, when he was only 11 years old. I think it's a pretty great paper and I can't believe his fuckface teacher only gave him a B. I'll reprint it verbatim (I found the picture from an image search of "the tough elf"; oddly, it looks exactly like Austin):

The Tough Elf

Once oupon a time there were two elves that were freinds.One day an ogre kidnapped one of them and took her to a castle.The other elf went after her armed and equipped so he went on his way. Unfortunately, he had to go through a forest to get to the castle and the forest was filled with monsters.The elf was walking along in the forest and saw a Wendego. The Wendego is a ten foot tall humanoid monster.The Wenego attacked the elf,and the elf dodged doged and crawled up a tree and stabbed it. It died,so the elf pulled the sword out and went on.All went well for a while but after awhile he but the sky darkend and he saw a Griffen the Griffen swooped down at the elf and grazed his sholder,then the griffen came down but the elf had his sword out and when the griffen came down it ran into the blade and died.Then a few minutes later a goblin jumped on him and they started to fistfight. after awhile the elf got kicked back and got his sword and killed the goblin.Then the elf rested up.The next day he got to the castle. The gate was surrounded by ogres so he got some rope and climbed the wall.When he got up the wall and saw a hobgoblin. So he stabbed it.Next there was a harpy, a cross between a snake, a bird , and a woman.The harpy bit his shoulder but when it bit him he cut off it's head off and then he saw some ogres and blinded them and killed them.Then a big ogre stepped out and the elf's friend was there. She was tied up.The elf said, "Are you the one who took her?"The elf said the ogre said "Yes"so the elf got his sword out andkilled it and they lived happily ever.

THE END

By;AUSTIN THEODORE LOGAN

Take that, Ogre, you asshole! (do you see what I did there?) Anyway, that was a sweet story. It's too bad that not only does his shitass teacher not recognize genius, but, judging by the marks on Austin's paper, he/she also has no understanding of basic grammar. The teacher missed several errors that should have been marked, and then marked several errors that either weren't errors, or corrected the errors inappropriately. In one spot parentheses were marked where commas would have been more correct. I know, right? And fuck errors anyway, because a paper this awesome deserves an A+++ and four or five gold stars. You can shove that B up your grammatically incorrect ass, stupid teacher who was obviously drunk.

In closing, I would like to say that Austin Theodore Logan is a True American Hero and I believe that, after I die, he will definitely be elected President of Space. Stay beautiful, my elfin friend.

[Mr. Logan enjoying a nap after his birthday party, perhaps dreaming of new adventures for the tough elf]

KaijuDan: Monster Créateur

Sometimes I use Blogger's random blog button in the hopes that I'll find something awesome. I never do. I never do until today. Today I found KaijuDan.

KaijuDan is probably french. I say this because his blog is in french. KaijuDan draws monsters. Awesome monsters. I'll let KaijuDan explain...
[All KaijuDan's posts were translated with Google's language tools. And for the record, I'm not making fun of him. This is exactly the kind of shit I drew in junior high and I love it.]

"YOU KNOW THE DRAWING MONSTERS BUT YOU DO NOT SEE THE BENEFIT? On the contrary, there is one! ON THIS BLOG IS THAT YOU CAN FINALLY SEND YOUR DRAWINGS! Just a pencil and a little creativity! I ACCEPT ALL MONSTERS OF DRAWINGS AS GOOD BAD IT sufit FOR ME TO SEND THE FOLLOWING ADDRESS: MOKETOYA@LAPOSTE.NET. THEN RUN YOUR PENCILS AND MAYBE YOUR TALENT IS FINALLY appreciated!"

KaijuDan has only done 4 posts so far:

"The History of Kaijus."

"If I made this blog, not only for you to show your drawings but also to show mine. I called the Kaijus. This means in Japanese "Creature deformed"

and these are all unique creatures I counted over a hundred, until I lost my workbook where they were all listed T_T ... and yes, that's life but hey, it didn ' not stop them again! I found some papers in my courses Kaijus ... These creatures are controlled by the Kaijudan that you sent above /\"
---

"Mortepoigne, the symbiotic"

"Kaiju Here is the source of all others. Capable of forming another Kaiju in his back by divine lightning, it is the first Kaiju a successful future in our world. If you look closely, you see he wears a mask. This mask is identical to that of Kaijudan, and wears a crucifix on his left eye. (Most Kaijus door one but it does not dilute their power ...)"
---

"Sombrecri the anhialator"

"Sombrecri is one of the most formidable Kaijus. Able to raze a village in a single note, his voice can reach 4TetraDécibels (4 000 000 000 000 decibels, the maximum for the human ear is 230 Decibels ...), sound strong enough for a anhiler whole universe, and powerful enough to vibrate the same time it ..."
---

"The mask of terror"

"Here is the mask of terror. Under this mask lies a torture Kaiju still unknown, a seemingly immense power. This power was too much problem to the Divine Interventon (Creators of Kaijus) and fearing it might rebel, he posed the mask of terror. The draft of the nails is proportional to its suffering. So, the more he suffers, the more nails sink. Not forgetting that if it dies, the mask for the rescucitera retu. But why keep him alive if he must die? Who knows, maybe one day it will be released ...."
---


I'm definitely going to keep checking back for new art. I hope someday KaijuDan notices that he's got a fan. Just in case, I'll leave him a special message:

KaijuDan, je pense que vous êtes tout simplement extraordinaire. Vos dessins règle! Nous devons absolument jouer Nintendo ensemble. Même s'il est trop mauvais que vous êtes français.

RoboShirt Activate!

How awesome is my awesome shirt? I know, right? Pretty fucking awesome.

Thanks again to Topless Robot and Chop Shop for the kickass shirt! Rock on with your cock on.

Now when the robot overlords take over, they'll know I'm cool.