So, I covered the pan with foil because I figured this would end badly and I'm too lazy to wash a dish.
I put a lid on the pan to keep the heat in, hoping that might magically change it from a frying pan with a lid into one of those stone pizza ovens that I saw on the food channel.
I set the burner to as close to medium heat as I could (you can see how helpful the knobs are for determining settings) and hoped it wouldn't burn too badly.
So, after about 15 minutes... Ta-da!
Mmm, perfect! I mean, Mmm, half-melted and slimy! Unfortunately I couldn't cook it any longer, because...
...it was already burnt to charcoal on the bottom. I knew this wouldn't cook any better than it did, but I was filled with a child-like hope that throwing a frozen pizza in a pan would all work out somehow. I believe in unicorns too, for the record.
(I just noticed that in this picture my hand looks like a thalidomide lobster appendage. Weird.)